Let me dream.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

One of the people I absolutely love in this whole world. But haven't been able to go out with her for awhile. I can't even remember the last time I saw her in person. She's also one of the few people I knw who always put others before self. Actually, I only knw two people like that.. Anyw, I hope that I'll be able to go out with her soon now that the big 'A's are over.

I guess this post will be rather disjointed in thought because I have a few separate points to make.

As I have said before, it only takes me a few blogs to read to start feeling inferior about my own life. The people I read are friends, some close friends, some I barely knw, others just strangers whom I knw their names.

I do not feel inferior because they are smarter than me, have nicer face and figures, richer than me or anyth.

In fact, they are just really ordinary people like you and me. It is that they have as little as I have, but they are so truly happy with their lives.

Maybe I am too demanding, but I really don't feel so. Maybe it's because I just can't accomplish anyth. All these years, all these freaking years. The amount of stuff I have done that would go down into my portfolio and make it look good are countless, maybe even more than the people I feel inferior in comparison to. Like I said, I do not envy them for their brains or looks. But after all these years, I am still a nothing, and I am still not truly happy with my life.

All I really want to feel is just happy and contented. And like my friends tell me, I knw the problem still boils down to myself. What am I supposed to do, what can I even do?

Another issue is that, I have amazing friends. Freaking amazing friends that I don't deserve. Friends that everyone wants to knw and be friends with. Friends who have entire social networks out of just being friends with me. People who, honestly, don't need to stand a second listening to another word of complaint from my mouth.

They don't need me at all.

Sometimes I am thinking whether what I have is enough. I knw that I am as selfish as a human and as a friend can go but I can't help it. I get possessive. It's like she said it's enough that we are close, but is it really?

I really don't knw why they would truly want to stay with me and it makes me worry if one day I will just lose them without any warning.

Do you knw, I am losing everyth. I can't aptly put across what I feel, but I knw that everything is going to be so different, no matter whether we can help it or not.

I am a nothing. After so long, after everything.
I am still a nothing. And even further away from where I started out.

I found the resolutions I made at the end of 2008 for 2009. A year really just zoomed past without my realisation. Looking back at those resolutions, I want to laugh because it is utter bullshit. I fulfilled none of my resolutions. None.

I guess for 2010, all I really want is to never ever bring back another report slip which I'd be afraid or guilty or regretful to show.

Identity crisis, much. Never you mind.

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Sinyee. 17.
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