Let me dream.

Reflections.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

PW is really something that spoils friendships, screws people up and makes all our lives so bloody miserable. I feel really irritated because I just realised that all the changes that Yunrou and I made to our WR on Friday had been undone due to some technical fault. Even the recovery file is totally messed up and incomplete.

What. The. Fuck.

Things could really start getting better because I am going insane. Not even talking about the whole retain-or-advance issue which is really taking up most of my brain space and everyth these days. Now I have to trudge on and set everyth right again before I could start to really work on the changes.

PW is really a fucked up piece of shit, and I hate every single thing about it.

FML.

----

I don't feel like I am in the mood to do anyth right now. I feel like I just need some time to relax and cool it off before I start on PW again. I guess I need to start taking out my scheduler and doing the work I actually write in them, and record down my events before I forget them. Enough of wallowing and the apathy to everyth. I am sick of myself.

I have decided to go back to training next Wednesday. I have skipped 5 consecutive trainings, the most I ever had in my 5 years here. And I have already told Jaslin and Wenyi, so it's not like I can back out because Wenyi assured me she'll do some destruction to my ass ._. After all, it is still comforting to have something I love to play and lose myself in. I never looked forward because it felt like such a chore and it's so tiring to be there. But these days without fb, even though I would not deny I enjoy myself. It's just kind of an empty life and I need some action in my life. I'm not even joking.

Lately, everyth has taken on this zero-effect on me. I reject trainings, felt like rejecting going to school, reject homework and I also reject listening in lectures because I think nothing is going to help me get through this. I am glad that my friends made me turn up in school everyday even though I really don't feel like it. I am really glad that my friends persuaded me to return to school that day. As I sat there, all alone in the empty canteen looking from a distance, maybe I found this feeling that got buried through the years.

I always claimed that I have no passion for my CCA. Even back in the days when I was in table tennis, I denied having any passion for it. I always thought I was doing it just for the sake of it. But do you knw, the feeling of achievement and assurance I can get from simple passion and belonging in a team is so immense that I feel that I need it. I think I have found the feeling and I am going back into RVFBT this time, perhaps with a different mindset.

If I am going to repeat everyth, I will make it good. I cannot assure I will not drop out from the team in future because my focus will ultimately have to be on studies. But I will do what I best can and I wish to go on till I really can't. I am starting all over again, and I really can right my wrongs and set everyth right. Honestly, I am looking forward to the next year. No matter what I end up being.

I knw now, exactly what I want to achieve at the end of all this. This wake up call came, maybe a little too late. But it's always better late than never. I knw I have regrets, and I knw the ending. Even though my friends are rejecting the idea, I have really fully accepted it. I knw what I will do about my life, and I don't care about anyth. I don't care about what others are going to think or say, I don't care if I am going to be a loner or make friends, I can't be bothered by any of it.

My biggest regret is that I can't graduate with all my friends whom I care about. Although they tell me we will always stay in touch and be as close, I knw what it really will be. Even if we really try, it is so hard. I knw, because I'd been there. Much as we would want to, we might not be able to.

No matter what happens in the end, I will choose to repeat and set everyth right. Okay friends? I wish you people best. Things will start getting better. Or so I would like to believe.

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Sinyee. 17.
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Ariel. Ayesha. Beishan. ChenTao. ChingXin. Chiouyih. Eileen. Irene. Jaslin. Jasmine. Jennings. Junhao. Kailin. Matthias. Michelle. Mingjie. Pei Qi. Peishi. Rachel. Sara. Sharman. Shaun. Sherry. Shiyuan. Sinyee. Sylvia. TayLin. Tzeteng. Weikai. Winnie. Xinyu. Yanjie. Yeejin. YingYing. Yuhong. Yunrou. Yunyi. Zhijun.

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