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Fatigue Friday, October 30, 2009 Finally, the wretched WR is completed and submitted. Days and nights of consultations and slogging are over. Or has it not? The routine of the past few days had been PW in the early morning, work in the afternoon till evening, and PW at night, then the cycle repeats. Haven't had sufficient sleep at all for the past few nights. At least it is over. But then it's on to OP now. We have not even started much, and I have conveniently neglected my I&R for the WR. Zzz. And I think I'm going to sleep my worth after floorball training tmr since I am starting work on Sunday. Don't want myself to overwork. Feel like I'm being sucked into the black hole of fatigue. Do you knw what it's like? When you close your eyes, you feel like you're falling through space, and it's spinning, spinning.. And the feeling is so immense you don't want to ever open your eyes again. I am going to sleep right after I post this before I turn into a zombie/panda. In the past few days, I'd felt frustrated, hopeless, overwhelmed, relieved, resolved, but mostly, just plain tired. You knw, shit does happen. But it forced me to come to terms with my temper and just try to rely on ourselves for abit. And you knw what? We made it, but we will never trust you again. Anyw, I want to say that, my group members are really committed and responsible. I feel much more fortunate after today. Good job people, last lap to go! Goodnight my whole world, just fade out and let me sleep till 7am tmr. Go Ahead, Leave Her Wednesday, October 28, 2009 I have about ten thousand things I want to complain about my PW now, but I guess saying whatever doesn't even matter. So I might as well just shut up and save some energy to complete my WR right now. While you? You can go and eat shit. 2 more days to the final submission of WR. What to even say? I just feel fucking tired about everyth. AND HEARTLESS BASTARD STOP SAYING I AM PLAYING LA IDIOT, I AM DOING FUCKING PW. ---- Perfectly Imperfect. THE PERFECT GIRLFRIEND? Yes, she exists. And NO, she’s NOT the supermodel type with the long legs and perfect skin. She’s even BETTER. She’s the type of girl that looks BORING, the one you’d overlook —she’d be your LAST choice. At worst she’s insecure, clingy, shallow, jealous, nagging, SENSITIVE, EMOTIONAL, DRAMATIC and annoying. But if you can’t handle her at her worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve her at her best. So, what is a PERFECT GIRLFRIEND? They say there’s no such thing as perfection and that she doesn’t exist. Oh trust me, SHE DOES. She dresses up all cute and pretty every time YOU take her out on a date. This is her way of keeping YOU interested as your eyes are locked solely on her. You stare at other girls instead, and she gets hurt and upset that all her time and effort were put to waste. YOU CALL HER INSECURE. She holds on to YOU like she’s never letting YOU go. This is her way of telling other girls that she’s lucky that she has YOU, and no, YOU’re not available. YOU CALL HER CLINGY. She calls YOU the sweetest nicknames, or ones that only YOU two will understand. This is her way of saying how special YOU are, and that there’s nobody else in this world like YOU. You call other girls “BABE” just as how YOU would call her, and she gets disappointed. YOU CALL HER SHALLOW AND JEALOUS. She checks up on YOU, making sure YOU made it home safely or that YOU’re not out getting yourself into any kind of trouble. This is her way of showing how often she thinks about YOU and that she worries constantly because that’s how much she cares. YOU SAY SHE’S NAGGING. She cries when YOU do or say something wrong. This is her way of saying “that hurts only because YOU said it and I LOVE YOU.” YOU CALL HER OVERLY SENSITIVE AND EMOTIONAL. She loves YOU more than YOU love her. This is her way of dealing with the FACT that your relationship wasn’t like how it used to be. YOU CALL HER DRAMATIC AND ANNOYING. So go ahead. Leave the insecure, clingy, jealous, nagging, OVERLY SENSITIVE, annoying girl. She will soon be much happier in the arms of someone who actually deserves her: the PERFECT boyfriend. (via happified) Irritated Monday, October 26, 2009 My mind is in a confused state. And I don't think I will ever stop reeling from this. Not for a long long time. So tell me, if you've got a decision for me, you're made up my mind for me, you're lain the path out for me, WHAT do you want to hear from me? If nothing I say is going to matter at all, WHY waste our time? Just give me one word, what do you want me to do? Just one freaking word, settles it. I don't even care anymore about whatever I'm going to end up as. Retain or advance, whatever man. I am still going to work and study my ass off this holidays, it doesn't MATTER. So tell me! What the heck do you want? Whatever it is, I think it's just a waste of time if all you're going to do is sit there and shoot me down. So what do you knw about me? What do you think you knw about the way I live my life? Don't make assumptions, don't think you knw when you really don't. Don't write my life for me because you really don't knw any of our lives like you think you do. I knw it might not be fair, since I have not had the chance to speak to you. But no one in the room will knw me and how I study or how I work at all. None of you knw a thing. I am so sick and tired of you people throwing and feeding me thoughts expecting me to eat it up and digest it. And when I have, you dig it out from my stomach, half digested and stuff a whole new thing in for me to re-digest again. Well, obviously my half full stomach will just puke everyth out and refuse to eat anymore. I hate the way you people have already drafted out your great plans and we are just expected to fall neatly into it like nothing we think really matters. Does it not? I just don't see the point of anyth if I had to go there and not have a word of what I really feel but getting shot down. So what do you want? I just want a break man. I wished some people didn't have to make life so hard. I wished they would stop contradicting themselves all the time, and throw their stupid shit temper around at me, when I did nothing wrong. Honestly, can everyone just stop whining and let my life be about myself for awhile? Sunday, October 25, 2009 I knw I don't have much to post about, but I just feel like writing. I just realised that with PW, floorball, work and whatever other various activities, it is almost impossible to do much studying of any kind during this long holidays. Tmr's the day when my parents are supposed to go meet the principal. But since no one is, I shall just go alone and see if anyone would like to speak to an insignificant 17 year old about her own life. Starting to feel uncertain. Not about all that I am going to lose. But is this one more year really going to make a difference? Am I going to make it count? I'm suffering from about ten thousand aches all over my body. Thanks to the crazy drilling yesterday, feel like I can't move an inch without feeling some sort of pain. I honestly wonder how, every time, no matter how beaten up I am, how sick and tired of life and everyth else that screws up. When someone needs me, I am still able to provide my honest opinions and advice. When I am already feeling so low down in the first place, I wonder how I do that. I never bailed out and said "Sorry, I'm not feeling very good now myself" if my friends really need me. Different story if it's just mindless chatting... But it gets tiring. All the time. When it becomes like my own problems ceases to exist, and my life is just about the imperfections of another's life. It really gets tiring. I have really reached a point where I couldn't be bothered to knw or hear about any more crazy things in everyone else's lives. And just let me get on with my own for awhile. Feeling so, so tired.. Saturday, October 24, 2009 Oh finally, the page's loaded. I have lots of pictures to be posted here, and stuffs to say. Currently feeling tired but quite lighthearted. 2509 - Kbox for Seow's birthday!   Us with our cakes.Didn't manage to catch an individual photo of Kexin though D:  The happy Seow with her cake.  All of us.  Framed for you, the birthday girl making a wish (: ---- 5N Mooncake Festival Celebration  The girls who reached first.  More girls yet.  All of us :D  5N! ---- Random day out to town  I'm holding the milk tea from Fareast basement which I am currently addicted to! :D (Sharman suddenly so tall...)  At Orchard Central toilet...   Rawr! Jam packed in one corner D:  End of the day, when I was really tired and couldn't smile. But the rest are still as pretty haha. ---- After floorball CIP...  At Pandan Reservoir. Cool much? More photos to be uploaded by Zhenxi! John Tan took many candid shots of us and some were so unglam! Anyw, I returned to training today. Felt that it was fun and fulfilling maybe because I haven't been back at training and giving my all for a really really long time. Plus there was PT under the scorching hot sun before training, leaving me kind of weak-kneed at the end of everyth. Today was also like a military training. Mrs Chan was fully "Water break 20 seconds!" And start counting down... Same for Stella for awhile. Still, I really felt that I enjoyed myself today, if not for the sun. I am sun burnt now, not even kidding. PW for tmr, then maybe can catch up a bit with my girlfriends. Haven't been out with them since forever, was hoping for a really nice long ranting-about-my-usual-shit-life session. Only to be told by my father that we are going out for dinner tmr since it's my brother's birthday. So I can't stay long with them much as I would like to. Also, about the retain-advanced thing. For those who still doesn't know, I have opted to repeat and have made this known to the school on my own since my father fully rejected me to go and meet the principal. He was being a complete asshole about this issue, so fine, I can take matters in my own hands. It's my life and anyw, I can tell my mum supports me. Things are getting warped huh? Since when was my mum the nice one around? She even got me a job at Giant, the place she works! So I might start working night shift every night from the week after onwards. $$ come to me! Then I can buy a new stick now that I feel the spark for floorball again. I just hope I stay alive and stop looking like a panda. The ulcer in my mouth is really irritating me. If anyth, it just seems to get bigger everyday that it feels like I have a slit right at my gums. Painful to have food get stuck because it's really quite big. So I can only chew with one side of my mouth. Zzz. Go away soon please. Update soon. I feel totally drained right now because PW has sucked the life out of me for the past few nights. Have been waking up and going to school at 8am for consecutive days too. There are a lot of things waiting to be posted. Photos are piling up. But don't have the time right now to deal with all that. Plus the whole retain-advance thing. I feel too tired now to say much, but I am getting my way. Training tmr. I think I will die from overwork soon. Without having actually started work. Nice. Good night. Wednesday, October 21, 2009 Life kind of sucks right now. 1. My mother doesn't support my wanting to be retain because she think I'm not going to make good of it anyw. 2. I still have not told my father. I think he saw it too though, but put it aside without signing. 3. My I&R draft 1 is like crap, but Ms Tee says another draft should be enough, which I fail to see how. 4. I jammed the printer cartridge today while trying to print my I&R. For some reason, it can't get unstuck no matter what I do to it. So I can't print my I&R out and make changes without using the comp. 5. There's chem make-up lesson in 8 hours and I have not done the tutorial yet. Nice. 6. After that there's PW consultation, followed by floorball at freaking 4.30pm, which I don't even knw if I am turning up for. The thought of it turns me off. 7. I only have 5 bucks a day for this holidays. God knws how do I survive. 8. Ah forget it. FML. Madness Tuesday, October 20, 2009 Goodness, I've been bitten by the PW bug! Slept at almost 3.30am and woke up at 9.30am, an hour later than I intended to. Feel like my eyes can't be opened man, really tired. Nonetheless, I hope that my group's WR will be done in a few hours' time, and when it's finalised, hopefully we can BOOMZ our OP slides out quickly ;) Alright, enough about PW. I didn't tell my parents last night, though I was darn sure I would. I was hoping my mother would go to sleep early so that I could catch my father alone and tell him about the meeting next Monday. But my mother just knew how to pick the day to stay up late, it wasn't till about 1230am that she got up to go to sleep. And guess what, by that time my father was already snoring on the sofa in the living room! Zzz. So much for nothing. Hours of heart-thumping for nothing. Thanks mum. Well, but tonight is the last night I have to tell them, because I have to submit the form to school tmr already. What choice do I have but to just lay the pieces of paper on the table to await their discovery, much unlike what I had in mind if I had the chance to talk to my father alone last night. Too bad. I think I knw what their reactions will be like, I just don't knw how to explain the retain-advance issue, but I don't want my father strolling in the principal's office completely clueless either. So I'll just let him see my results slip and the meet principal paper and...take it from there. Okay whatever. 要来的总是会来. 要死的都是会死 =/ Back to WR for now and chem tutorial for later. Hope I get it done so Mdm Ang wouldn't be pissed tmr. Sometimes I really wonder why I bother since I'm going to be retained anyw. But somehow I knw I should. I don't knw why though. Then again, hope the school doesn't stop me from wanting to be retained. Please stop doing this to me. Zai jian. Monday, October 19, 2009 你好吗, 今天心情有没有好一点了? 你知道要怎么开口了吗? 时间不多了... 今晚吗? 就今晚好吗? 早点说出口, 心里就不会一直这么乱了. 至少说了不会一直感觉自己背负着一个那么重大的秘密. 不管反应如何, 只要告诉他就好了吧? 告诉他你的决定, 我想它应该会支持你吧... 希望如此... 你已经没有时间了, 知道吗? 没有时间再慢慢去想到底要怎么办了. 你不是已经做出决定了吗, 还在等什么呢? 不要再让这种沉重的心情维持下去了, 你承受不了的. 就今晚, 今晚, 好吗? Saturday, October 17, 2009 I feel like my whole life is in shreds now. I just don't knw how to put it all in words. By right, I shouldn't be feeling so bad. I've just done by (overdue) I&R and sent it out in the afternoon, and am working on draft 3 of WR which will be reviewed together with my group mates at my place tmr. But this discomfited feeling just stays with me for the whole day. Or maybe I actually do knw what's messing my insides up. The fact that I still have not told either of my parents that they have a meeting scheduled with the principal in exactly 9 days to discuss about my dismal grades and my promotion status. I feel like I am carrying this huge secret which is going to burst my mind soon. Almost everyone I knw had already told their parents, and they are more or less supportive of whichever decisions they have (except for JH). The thing is, even if my parents do knw, I'm not sure they are going to be very supportive of whatever I was going to say. Maybe the school would really let me move along. Do I want it? I still don't knw. Which adds on to the whole emotional tornado happening within me. I've talked to many people, mostly my friends, a few seniors.. No one really supports what I want. Or tell me to just go along with what the school gives me. Don't knw if I really want to do that. Dilemma. Not even sure whether I should keep thinking about it. Lots of things I want to say. Kind of forgotten some, don't knw how to post about others. Life's just a mess right now. I hope things get better. ---- To the nasty passerby: Hey, if you don't like me saying vulgarities, then I won't. If you don't like to see me push my problems around, then I won't. Yeah, really. I won't. FUCK YOU. AND MYOFB! (No prizes for guessing what the F stands for! In Your Face, so what now? Shoot me?) Hahaha. Disclaimer: This part of the post is not even trying to deny what you say, like I'm bad in character or like a weeping baby. I don't care what you say. It's about you here, not me. Dude, honestly? I'm not the least bit fazed by what you say because obviously you're not someone I give a shit about. I'm seriously too apathetic to care about some nameless little shitbag trying to act like you knw me say some wise words. Save it to write a book la. If you don't like anyth about me or what I say, if you got a problem with me.. I can only say, DON'T MAKE YOUR PROBLEM MY PROBLEM. If I were you, I would really feel honoured. Since I just dedicated one part of my post to you. Goodbye, I really appreciated the entertainment in my mundane life though. Thursday, October 15, 2009 I'm totally spinning out of control now. PW is really taking its toll on me. Guess I need to keep my emotions in check. I really can't help it man, as the time drags on all the things she's saying gets on my nerves because the comments haven't been there in the previous draft, yet she's suan-ing us about it just because we left everyth else as it was. Poor organisation of points. Repetition. Weak ideas. We took away what you didn't want, now you're asking why we did away with it. We did every other thing you commented on, yet the problems which weren't there before suddenly surfaced and seemed so threatening. How do you want me to accept this piece of work that my group mates and I put so much effort in? I feel like this draft is in complete shreds, and it's supposed to be an improvement from the previous. Honestly, we just did what you wanted. So what more are you looking for? Making me fucking irritated seriously. Stop contradicting yourself and pissing me off la. I don't enjoy doing what I did today either please. I can't imagine myself facing PW for another month. I'd go crazy. Wednesday, October 14, 2009 I hate it. I hate the way they trample all over me and my pride, telling me as if to just accept the fact of repeating is for the best. I hate it that I spent so much time thinking about what I really want, and when I thought I had a firm answer, they present another option to me, and close off the one I had at first. So what am I supposed to feel? Am I just supposed to let you people haul me here and there, as and when you like and just fall into the great plans of everyth? Are my opinions and feelings not a deciding factor? Is this not ultimately my life, and my choice to make? Stop telling me that you think I can do it, and stop telling me that it is possible or just try. Stop telling me that the school is allowing me to advance because they think I can carry on. The school knws nuts about me and my learning attitude. And I knw, I knw, that I can't do it. This is not something I can experiment with, try out to see how it goes because it is about my life and there is no turning back once I choose to step forward. And unless I am 100% sure that I am willing to give up my everyth in this 2 months to study, I am not going to want to move along. What is the point? I can't make it but you push me up anyway? My thoughts are starting to falter and my initial decision not as firm as before. I knw I have the chance now, but do I want it? All day I am wishing for a sign from heaven or someone wise enough to just tell me what to do. Instead of posing me more questions which does nothing but turn my thoughts in circles. I don't want to move up having accomplished nothing and bearing such bad records this year. I'm just not sure that everyth I do in the next is going to be able to cover it all up. Everyth and everyth. Is crushing me and I am drowning. Brave. Tuesday, October 13, 2009 It's such an unearthly time now, and the only reason why I'm here is that I am waiting for laundry because I cleverly forgot to turn on the washing machine and only realised at midnight, and also trying to do PW (but to no avail). Some things to talk about. I am happy with PW discussion today, and am glad Wenyi expressed her unhappiness towards some group dynamics. Today's discussion was spontaneous, and hopefully fruitful for all and made us understand our report more. Now I am piled up with WR things to do because I am the one who's been slacking around and not doing anyth for the weekend. So now it's going to get me. Tmr is promotional day. And you knw what that means, it's about me and some other friends. But I wouldn't really spend all my time tmr thinking about whether right this minute they are reviewing my case or not, because as I have said, I have full well accepted everyth that will come to be. I am glad that my friends knew what I want and don't want to hear. Thanks Yijun, I don't need consolations, I don't need any pity, and you knw me well enough to not give me these. I appreciate that you told me it would be a better year ahead, I really do hope so. Wednesday, I will knw for real. I keep questioning what happens if I get advanced. It would really get me in a spot, but I am so certain I want to repeat and do it again. On the other hand, I can't graduate with all the people I love, which is really a shame. I guess I will only think about this question when I get my result slip. I am looking for someone who is experienced and knw well enough to point the direction for me. Have been filled with immense unhappiness these days. In fact, for a long time. I realised that t was impossible for me to keep going on keeping all these to myself. But I am glad I did open up and release every single bit of frustrations I had, and cried every bit of tears I could. Emotional meltdown, but I hope it guarantees me happier days ahead. This is really what I want. I pray, please, don't let me advance. Please don't give me the chance of having to face a dilemma of what to do and what's best. Please. Just let me do it all over again, do it better, without regrets. Please don't let me have the chance to think again and wonder if I could manage. I knw I could not. You'd think I'm crazy. Who wouldn't want to advance given the chance to? Well, I wouldn't. You can take my chance if I had one. I really just want to start over and do it properly. I have long since embraced this and anticipates the beginning of something new. Please. Reflections. Saturday, October 10, 2009 PW is really something that spoils friendships, screws people up and makes all our lives so bloody miserable. I feel really irritated because I just realised that all the changes that Yunrou and I made to our WR on Friday had been undone due to some technical fault. Even the recovery file is totally messed up and incomplete. What. The. Fuck. Things could really start getting better because I am going insane. Not even talking about the whole retain-or-advance issue which is really taking up most of my brain space and everyth these days. Now I have to trudge on and set everyth right again before I could start to really work on the changes. PW is really a fucked up piece of shit, and I hate every single thing about it. FML. ---- I don't feel like I am in the mood to do anyth right now. I feel like I just need some time to relax and cool it off before I start on PW again. I guess I need to start taking out my scheduler and doing the work I actually write in them, and record down my events before I forget them. Enough of wallowing and the apathy to everyth. I am sick of myself. I have decided to go back to training next Wednesday. I have skipped 5 consecutive trainings, the most I ever had in my 5 years here. And I have already told Jaslin and Wenyi, so it's not like I can back out because Wenyi assured me she'll do some destruction to my ass ._. After all, it is still comforting to have something I love to play and lose myself in. I never looked forward because it felt like such a chore and it's so tiring to be there. But these days without fb, even though I would not deny I enjoy myself. It's just kind of an empty life and I need some action in my life. I'm not even joking. Lately, everyth has taken on this zero-effect on me. I reject trainings, felt like rejecting going to school, reject homework and I also reject listening in lectures because I think nothing is going to help me get through this. I am glad that my friends made me turn up in school everyday even though I really don't feel like it. I am really glad that my friends persuaded me to return to school that day. As I sat there, all alone in the empty canteen looking from a distance, maybe I found this feeling that got buried through the years. I always claimed that I have no passion for my CCA. Even back in the days when I was in table tennis, I denied having any passion for it. I always thought I was doing it just for the sake of it. But do you knw, the feeling of achievement and assurance I can get from simple passion and belonging in a team is so immense that I feel that I need it. I think I have found the feeling and I am going back into RVFBT this time, perhaps with a different mindset. If I am going to repeat everyth, I will make it good. I cannot assure I will not drop out from the team in future because my focus will ultimately have to be on studies. But I will do what I best can and I wish to go on till I really can't. I am starting all over again, and I really can right my wrongs and set everyth right. Honestly, I am looking forward to the next year. No matter what I end up being. I knw now, exactly what I want to achieve at the end of all this. This wake up call came, maybe a little too late. But it's always better late than never. I knw I have regrets, and I knw the ending. Even though my friends are rejecting the idea, I have really fully accepted it. I knw what I will do about my life, and I don't care about anyth. I don't care about what others are going to think or say, I don't care if I am going to be a loner or make friends, I can't be bothered by any of it. My biggest regret is that I can't graduate with all my friends whom I care about. Although they tell me we will always stay in touch and be as close, I knw what it really will be. Even if we really try, it is so hard. I knw, because I'd been there. Much as we would want to, we might not be able to. No matter what happens in the end, I will choose to repeat and set everyth right. Okay friends? I wish you people best. Things will start getting better. Or so I would like to believe. Thursday, October 8, 2009 这是用文字也稀释不了的感觉. 因为太过真实, 也太过震撼. 虽然说是接受了事实, 虽然说我不是在逃避. 但其实也没有说的那么简单, 对吧? 可是你明白吗? 你明白这种让人用一种充满同情的眼神看着你的感受吗? 你明白让人害怕一不小心就说错话, 让你难过的感觉吗? 我要的不是可怜, 不是同情. 我还是可以过得很好. 我可以放弃我的全世界, 我真的可以什么都不要. 反正什么到了这种地步都已不再重要. 我可以拼死拼活只为了让自己不再陷入同样的陷阱. 那个没有回头路的陷阱. 现在做的一切都不再对我有意义. 我只想要让所有的让人苦恼的事都结束. 我没有力气在继续这种挣扎. 没有心思让身边的人不为我感到难过. 不要为我难过, 我不会因此而倒下. 告诉我. 现在我应该要怎么办. 我没有选择的权利. 我只有坐以待毙为收场. ---- I guess when everyth has come to be 100% confirmed, and I have finally sorted out what I really want and feel about this, I will not speak too much of it. No way out. Monday, October 5, 2009 It's been awhile since I last updated. Over the last few days, I thought about many things and had wanted to post them down at many points. Somehow, I'm unable to find words for what I feel and what I really think. School's really starting to take its toll on everyone. Be it post-exam lectures, lessons, homework, PW, the timetable. Every single thing adds on to the pain and disgust of having to go to school. I don't knw, maybe it's time to face up to the ugly truth finally. I guess I've successfully pushed it to the back of my mind. Half accepted, half still in denial. I wonder why you had to come and talk to me with that sympathetic face, to show that you still care about how I do. Why do you have to come along and haul everyth out and force me to face it? Still, in a way, it was nice of you. You knw, that's the thing about me not updating for a long time. The reason is because I have so much to say but they are all so disorganised that I give up organising my thoughts after awhile and just log off the page. Going to do just that right now. Goodbye. Thursday, October 1, 2009 Hardly can find time to update properly these days. I'm either too immersed in doing PW to take time out for posting, or I am just too tired to string my thoughts into comprehensible sentences. I have too much to say that I think I just don't want to say much to the people around me anymore. Maybe I've come to a point where even posting about what I feel doesn't help in relieving my unhappiness. There's just too much I am feeling, it's overflowing and I can't contain it. I act like I am perfectly okay all day, and no I don't find trouble in that because I am really okay. But I am just ignoring and shutting out the other upsetting things in my life. I don't knw what can I even say now that things are already like this. I am so jaded from everyth that whatever others say don't take any effect on me. I am fully prepared and accepted my fate. I really am open about it and I see it as a second chance. You knw what? I really don't think it's a good time to post about what I really feel. Simply because there's too many things I'm feeling and that I don't have time to organise them properly. WR pressing on my like a heavy rock on my back. Rock bottom. |
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