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Tuesday, September 29, 2009 You knw what? I really shouldn't have for one second, thought that maybe I'd stop hating you. I thought that maybe I really won't have to bear this grudge for so long. I thought that things are going to start getting better. I thought I didn't have to be a heartless person like you. Honestly, nothing fucking matters. No matter what I do, and what I say. How much I had to swallow all my unhappiness and just fucking do what you wanted me to all the time. You just won't ever be happy with that. And I'll stop trying okay? It really don't fucking matter. Stop telling me you are tired. Just stop fucking telling me you are tired for one second. Stop complaining you have to go to work and then still have to cook dinner for us. Stop telling me you think my having to wake up at fucking 5 am and stay in school till like 4pm is nothing in comparison to what you go through. Seriously, just stop telling me all of that. Because I don't even fucking care. The way you don't give a shit to how really strung out I am. Especially since school began again this week. What do you even knw? I feel so damned tired I can't even be bothered to open my mouth to talk anymore. And what good would that do me anyway, you'll come at me with the cane again. What the fuck? What am I even doing here? What am I even thinking of maybe I won't be so filled with vengeance and swear to make you sorry when I grow up? You are not the least bit deserving of me, or any fucking thing I do for you. You really don't even care. I never asked you to be a super mum. I don't need you to be like one of them who work full-time, and reach home doing all the chores. Including cooking dinner, doing the dishes and laundry. If others could, why couldn't you? BUT I never even asked for you to be like this. I just ask for you to treat me like a human bring, who can actually feel fatigue and hurt and all the other shit you claim you're feeling. But you never appreciated anyth I do. You never actually see anyth apart from what I didn't do. So many people out there probably never ever did chores before. Can't cook to save their lives. Wouldn't give a shit to what their parents said to share the chores. Yet every single fucking day, I do something, with or without you asking. And you can just pretend like I don't contribute to this house? Still? Where the fuck is your conscience man. And why are you my mother. My fucking sick, selfish and heartless mother. I really don't need you. And talk about respect. Think about whether you even deserve it first. You, and everyth you do. Makes me sick and sad about my fucked up life. Sad? I don't even fucking have feelings anymore. Other than hatred and vengeance. [edit] I don't knw what is wrong with everyone at home, really. First, my mother complained about all that above. Then I proceeded to find that she didn't even bloody cook dinner today and I had to eat instant noodles. Thanks alot. Then my father comes back home. And tells me I have to give up the comp to him after he's had dinner. Hello, what the fuck seriously? What is wrong with him, at the time I most had to chiong for my PW. He refused to get me or himself a laptop and now he wants to eat into my rightful usage of the comp. So what do you think about that. I shouldn't even be here seriously. Home? You're kidding me. [/edit] Sunday, September 27, 2009 Can't believe that school starts tmr. Papers coming back? Yeah, like it makes a difference to me either way. I don't even knw what I'm supposed to feel about any of it. There's still PW to worry about now. Maybe if I get retained I'll just.. I don't knw what I'll do. Just get retained. Though the updated timetable sucks, I sure hope the other things don't. Not within my mental capacity to take more shit. Goodnight all, off to sleep before I doze in class tmr. Facade Friday, September 25, 2009 And all I really want is some patience A way to calm the angry voice And all I really want is deliverance. - Alanis Morissette ---- I always feel like I am so in control of my life when I talk to others about things. But really. I'm just spinning out of control. I'm not going to bother about much from now on. Today's Wenyi's 17th birthday! Though half the day was wasted in school, the rest of the day was spent at Kbox! Had wanted to go to the 10 bucks KTV place at Chinatown, but it was fully booked. So we had to settle for Kbox. Those who went are: Me, Sharm, Kexin, Dengyin and Cheehooi. We got damn high and sang so loudly I think people in the next room can hear us. But I had lots of fun and shouted more than I sang till my voice was almost hoarse. Enjoyed myself loads! And the cake that we shared was totally heavenly, but sinful too! Hope the birthday girl enjoyed herself with us too :D Warning: Unglam photos ahead.   Classic bollywood buck tooth. Best.  PM macs mugging sessions!   PW =x    Aglio Olio fan haha. Note: Most photos are self-loving by Seow herself :D Hope that it's been a great day for her! I am so strung out and my eyes are closing. There's still CIP tmr morning at the other end of the world. Tsk. Thursday, September 24, 2009 I just had a perfectly civilised and polite conversation with my mother. Even though that is happening, I find that I can't bring myself to look at her face, and that I still hate her. But well, you can't exactly blame me for it. After all, she had beaten me up very viciously, twice. Every time, when I recount this matter to a friend who would listen, I just think, how could anyone in the right state of mind actually side with my mother? She isn't just unreasonable, she's plain crazy. Maybe it's menopause, but whatever she is really just plain crazy. Her raised and agitated voice bounces around in my head, the way she screamed out the words, that I never think I am wrong. And it is exactly the way I feel about her, she never thinks she's in the wrong. I keep thinking and thinking, is this really my fault? In any way? Am I really just wrong because she's my mother? I don't arrive at any conclusion. But I guess I'm not trying anymore. It's easier being oblivious to everyth. Have been feeling slightly better. It's really a wonder I haven't gone crazy myself being beaten up like this twice. In fact, if anyth, I have only gotten numb from her canings. I don't really feel much, I don't want to talk back much. What's the point really, she's not going to get anyth I say, and all she will do is just give me lame excuses about why she does all the hurtful things she does. Anyw, thanks to all the people who cared. And no, I can't call a police or go to some FRC places. All I can do is put up with this until I have my own income.. Which is not in the near future. I guess, without venting to my friends non-stop of all this shit, I might really have gone crazy. Okay enough of heavy stuff. About today. Year 5 post-exams activities? A total flop, as usual. Honestly, I can't imagine how they sincerely feel we'd be interested. I don't knw why, but I feel slightly discomfited at the fact that those things are organised by people who are also 17, and who are supposed to understand what we like and dislike more than others. Apparently...not. I feel quite upset after reading a friend's blog. I don't knw what it feels like because I have never had to be alone like that. I don't want to only do it now because I knw it's not going to be of much help. I just hope that, I will remember this next time. And be a better friend. I have no hopes that tmr will be better, but still I shall be present. I am too lazy to write another letter of excuse, or go queue at the polyclinic to get an MC. Hopefully, after-school events are going to be much more entertaining and enjoyable. KTV for Seow's 17th :D Tuesday, September 22, 2009 How could you be my mother. How? I don't understand, no matter what I say, and how hard I cry. I don't understand. You don't either. You're not really my mother, right? I really thought that things had taken a turn for the better, and you'll stop treating me like an inferior sub-human. I thought we could have a completely civilised conversation without so much as shouting. Guess that was too much to ask for even. Thanks for telling me, that you are entitled to treat me with disrespect, and in any way you deem fit. You can scream and shout at me, and beat me up again and again. Just because you're my mother. Thanks for finally waking me up to the fact that I should just stop trying so hard, because in your mind, I don't deserve any basic respect that humans should have. I don't knw what I do all these for. First, you say I don't do chores for you and you beat me up. So, I do them for you. Not taking into account the fact that my promos were in progress. No, you never cared. Then, now you tell me I treat you like you're transparent, and you beat me up again. Tell me, honestly, hand on heart. How the fuck do you expect me to treat you normally, with the respect any mothers deserve, when you're just someone who don't care about my feelings, and don't respect me? You think I am a plaything? An object? And I don't have feelings? Does this idea sound very wild to you? That I have feelings? I'm really not asking for anyth. Not anyth that you say, really. I don't need you to do every single thing for me, not make my breakfast, not do the laundry. I don't need you to give me everyth I need and ask for. I don't need and I didn't ask for any of that. I just ask for a little bit of understanding and some patience. Which I knw, okay I knw, I don't deserve right? Because you are my mother. What a fucking irony. But all you can do, all you think is that you're right and I'm wrong. So really, is there a point to continue? I am so tired of this. I return home, you bark at me to cook soup. And while I was looking around for the saucepan, I just go "eh, where's the saucepan ah?". And fuck knws you'll just explode and run at me with the cane again. One single "eh", and a few more slashes on my body. I tried grabbing the cane but I couldn't get it. It slips out and on my body it goes again. Next time, I wouldn't try I think. I should just sit down and let you hit me all you want because I really can't be bothered. All this time, I talk in a completely civilised manner with you while your voice just raises a notch higher, and higher. I knw what I say don't really matter, but you could at least pretend to listen. Everyth I say, you just gave me an incredulous look and "how can I be wrong about that?" Yeah, alright, I'm wrong okay? I'm wrong. Everyth is my fault. You tell me, when all the aunts came over, I didn't greet you, nor any of them. And I told you, you couldn't spare me a second when I called out to you. When I wanted to talk to you, and ask you things, you couldn't give me a second to even stop and listen. Now you're saying I don't acknowledge your presence. I wonder why I would even want to try if you ignore me three times straight. Why? Why? Tell me, honestly. Why the fuck do I bother with you? I tried. I tried to do everyth you want me to, and I never complained to you at all. You come and beat me up because you think I don't respect you. You tell me the day that I can dare demand for respect from you is the day I rely no more on you. Mum, take it from me. If I had the ability to, I wonder why the hell I am still staying here. But okay, I will listen to you. From tmr onwards, I will greet you everyday when I see you. Do everyth you want me to. Never "eh" you again, even though I really don't knw what is wrong with that. Though bearing in mind that, I still hate you as much as ever, if not more. And when I grow up. You wait and see alright? You'll wait and see. Things really didn't have to turn out like this. You hit me once, you did it a second time. I knw I will just sit down and let you hit me. It doesn't matter. Doesn't even hurt anymore, you knw? Seriously. Just kill me if you will. It doesn't even fucking matter. Every single thing I say. You tell me I am wrong. The way you almost spat out the words that "yes I am your mother and that's why I can speak to you in a nasty way, but no you can't because I am elder". Okay. I get your idea. My tears have dried up. And I don't feel anyth anymore. We'll just see yeah? See if a few years down the road, things are going to change. And you're going to be the one falling to the kitchen floor crying your heart out because your daughter couldn't give a shit to what you feel. No. No words can justify what I feel. Unjust and just misunderstood. We have this huge misunderstanding which I keep trying to tell her about. But each time she only answered with a slash of the cane. Alright. That's all I want to say really. Nothing is going to help. Unless I move out or something. Whatever. Bye. When I see my sorry face in the mirror, all I really want to do is start crying all over again. Sunday, September 20, 2009 Am feeling a whole lot calmer now, after a Mr Bean and a Slurpee. Plus of course, the people here are making much less noise because it is so late. I shall properly recount what I had started out saying without all the profanities. Firstly, about promos. Chem paper was screwed up because of my half-functioning GC. My heart was pumping so quickly I thought it would break out from my chest. I felt even more helpless when my invigilator told me he couldn't help me for this, as I wondered whether I had to manually calculate everyth, including log functions ._. But luckily he helped me borrow a scientific calculator from Yunrou afterward. Anyw, I screwed the paper totally. Maybe I just focused too much on econs and didn't have enough time studying for chem properly. I couldn't even do the most basic questions and my mind was blank the whole time. So well, dunked one paper. Had to borrow GC from Melvin for math paper next day. But I had already described what it was all like in one of the previous posts. So, no need for more elaboration. Anyw, Yunrou and Melvin are major life-saviours! Need to treat them to something man.. Hmm.. History paper was stupid. Gave up studying 1am the night before and just went to sleep. The paper was screwed to the max. I would be thankful to scrape S for it. I just sat around after finishing the first essay which I could write something for abd waited for time to pass. This promos is really quite badly done. I guess I am down for retaining. But..whatever. Feel like time really changes people. But I am still the same. My cousin from malaysia just came over here to have a little gathering with my mum and all the other aunties, and she looks so different. And so does all my friends. I'm just the only one strolling around on the same old place and not moving forward. I'm staying in this protected little zone of mine and not really seeing far out of it.It just seems like I am still 10 years old. Things need to change. But it is taking so much to change. Time will come when I become like everyone else. But seeing others already like this, I can't help wondering whether everyone had moved on without me. Now come to think of it, it's no wonder Jianjie and other cousins always say I look like a kid. It's because I do. I just never change and forever look the same. No improvements. People at 17 are wearing nice dresses, going out to club and drink or whatever. I can't even reach home late. This little protected environment is what making me different? We were so happy to go home when the sky turns dark, now how pathetic is that. People at 17 are everyth I am not. And when am I going to snap out of it to act 17, and look 17. I don't behave 17, I behave like 12. I am sick of it too, but I have no means of making it better. Everytime I see my old friends and whoever. And see how different we are. It keeps me wondering. So when will I start becoming 17.. Friday, September 18, 2009 Fucking miserable, helpless self. I really hate history. I hate what I'm feeling like now. Can't believe that I spent like 6 hours on end of CW alone, and couldn't even make sense of much. There's just too much that I need to knw, and too little time. Haven't touched Arab-Israeli conflict or religious fundamentalism stuff. Five freaking case studies to knw about and I knw nothing. Forget it la, it won't make a difference anyw. I am so sick at trying to look at an essay plan, or powerpoint slides, trying to understand but really not understanding any single thing it says. Tells you a lot huh. I really feel so fucking helpless now. A part of me just wants to turn off all this damned things and go to bed. But a part of me doesn't want to sit and do nothing till1.30pm tmr. I really knw nothing. Like seriously nothing and I'm feeling so frustrated. I should just skip the exam tmr. No point taking the paper. Fucking hell will time just stop crawling pass. I don't knw what the fuck to do! Nothing is going in. I've been staring and staring at the same fucking things but nothing wants to go in. Then fine, shall just stop studying la. Force myself for what, nothing good is gna turn out from this anyw. Retain whatever la, I'll pick CSE or something. I really don't bother now that it's already like this. Sorry man Mr Lai, I just suck at history. Thursday, September 17, 2009 One last paper to go, but I'm acting as if the promos are over already. I guess math just kind of hurled me across the floor and trampled all over me. I guess I can't really accept the fact that I thought I would be able to do something more than all my previous math papers. But apparently, I should have known it wasn't going to be so easy. Okay, granted I only did last minute revision. Granted, I never did my math homework nor diligently practiced. So I guess, I deserve getting a great shock that I only knew how to do like 3 questions out of 13, and they might not even be right. Having made an effort to do questions, learn how to do implicit differentiation which I kept away from in so long, and face up to my greatest phobia since I was 11, albeit so little or insignificant, is something. Yeah so I'd been doing badly in math since I was primary 5. Like seriously, way bad for a primary school kid should. Like 50.5 out of 100, so memorable. The way my teacher said she sort of gave up hope on me. I guess it just took its toll on me and made me afraid of math, and anyth that is related to it. Be it physics, or the math sector in chem. Never did well, and never particularly made an effort to. I thought that this would be different. I thought the 3 hours would be something more than blank stares and nodding off because I just couldn't get anyth. The only thing I was getting was tired. It was still 3 hours of not knwing how to do this nor that. Nothing I could really do but wait for the hours to pass by, knwing my fate had just been sealed. I don't even feel like studying for history now, because honestly what's the point. I knw it's going to be the same. I'm going to turn over the question paper and look at the question, half knwing and half not knwing what to write. Then I'll attempt a lame and weak answer that barely clears two pages, and it screams to Mr Lai that yes I've done zero studying, I don't knw what's been going on since the beginning and never bothered to find out, and wait for the 2 hours and 15 minutes to pass. For promos to be over. And for me to finally be retained after all these years. Honestly, I don't even mind retaining. I'll probably die in year 6 anyw. I can't imagine myself taking bloody history for 'A's. And it's unfair, I knw. Because I chose it, and I have the responsibility to do well for it. Well, I just can't. So let me choose the easy way out and pick something else less taxing. I just mind the part about my parents having to meet Ms Ek because I knw exactly what they are going to say. "Aiya she never study la... everytime go CCA la... everyday go home use computer la... never listen in class la.." Well, they are half right, but sometimes I don't have a choice on what I can attend and can not. If I never studied, I could always make up a reason for not knwing how to do the questions. If I did, then there's really nothing to say. Whatever it is, I just deserve it. Whatever I can't be bothered. I am going to cram things now for history into my head. Maybe if I'm lucky I can pass, and then I might not be retained. I hope I don't mix up all the facts like I have the tendency to. [edit] History is so messed up. Urgh. [/edit] Tuesday, September 15, 2009 Life just slips right through your fingers before you can catch it in time. Nothing can make it stay when it's meant to go. Be strong, because that's how he would like to see you be. ---- Is it me, or is it my surroundings that is making me feel more and more lethargic and sick of everyth everyday? I can't fall asleep at night for gods knws what reason, resulting in my extreme fatigue and affecting my mind for the papers I'd taken. I don't want to be retained but after taking the econs paper today I kind of think I don't have a choice. Losing faith, losing faith... Chem, math and history to go. I really really, from the bottom of my heart wished I had more time and I swear I'd really give math and history a good look-through. But too bad I don't. Chem? Not even halfway through but I wonder if a miracle could happen. Actually I just wish I can fall asleep when I go to bed at 1030 tonight. Do you knw what it feels like to be crazy tired but somehow you just can't lose consciousness after lying on your bed for about 2 hours? It's really freaking irritating. And I wished the people at home could be a little more considerate to my situation and let me fall asleep. For crying out loud, you wonder why everyth is just so difficult. Maybe if I get retained, I totally deserve it. And it's about time too, since I'd always been struggling. If I get promoted I'll probably die in year 6 anyway. But hell, another year in this place is just unthinkable. Like 6 isn't enough? I don't want to make it 7. Lack motivation, seriously. I keep wondering why everyone can do it if they want to but I just can't. I can't do work even if I knew my life depended on it. When will I ever wake up, or maybe studying is just not for me. Too late, the papers are half gone. Econs and chem are going to make my 2 H2 passes for me to promote. Since I'd be stupid to pin any ounce of hope on math or history. Otherwise, year 5 all over again. Econs paper started well actually, the CSQ wasn't very difficult till I got to the 8 mark questions. Then I started losing momentum.. And I kept nodding off I had to pinch my leg to stay awake. Essays were just downright disheartening. For one thing, it was all very short answers which already made me feel like everyth I wrote is just rubbish. And for another, I just have no idea how to continue writing. I just want to pass, for the sake of me painstakingly summarising COP, market structures and market failure. Please, just give me an E I'd be thankful enough. That's all I am asking for. Getting so fucking tired just from this. Seriously, I wish I could help myself. Monday, September 14, 2009 Am trying to think about happy things, because I suddenly feel like I have nothing to live for, seriously. After promos, I am going to: 1. Buy pretty stationery 2. Go shopping with girlfs 3. Go Kbox 4. Stayover at someone's house 5. Have fun outside and only return home at like 10pm 6. Eat pasta / Swenson's for 14th 7. Cook pasta for the people I promised to 8. Bake pretty cupcakes 9. Be more committed to PW 10. Catch up on work during holidays (if I get promoted) 11. Run away from chores as much as I can 12. Be happy. And I deserve it. [edit] I feel so tired and uncertain about many things. I don't knw whether what I'd been working so hard for is actually going to give me what I deserve at the very least. Still, no time for regrets anyw. Life has gotten so sad, so pointless and so painful. I really don't need you to derive your happiness from screaming at me once a day. And without substantial reason.I'm not your plaything and not your venting outlet. And in any case, if one day I go berserk myself and decides to kill myself, I would like you to knw that it's because you ruined my whole life, and I hate you. Hope you live a great life. I would expect afterlife to be less of roses and daisies for such an evil person like you. [/edit] Sunday, September 13, 2009 Bitch. 你无情, 我就无义. And shut up. Because you have no grounds for any argument. [2] Saturday, September 12, 2009 I hate that spiteful tone you love to use when you're talking with me. I thought we'd come to terms. I thought I already said I'd help after promos. Now, my promos have yet to start and you're already hurling all sorts of things for me to do everyday. Like, just tell me, which part of what I said do you not understand? I just did what you said without complaints, but even that can't make you happy. Now you complain that I don't do what you don't tell me to, and yet I go out everyday from early in the morning and only return late at night. "钱拿了, 东西就要做." I'm not doing a trade with you. For one thing, I have already made damned clear to you, unless I am not in my right mind, I will never do something for you willingly, and without you asking me to. Nobody will. Like what, you think I have all the time in the world to continue doing free labour for you? Especially at a time like this. Promos are 2 fucking days away yo. And for another thing, I went out of house at like 1pm today, which is not exactly early already. And I reached home at 9pm. For fuck's sake I knw friends who only reach home past midnight! Complain is all you do all day. For once can you just shut the hell up and see what I am actually giving up for you? I am studying like 8 or more hours everyday, and once I reach home, all you do is just throw stuff on me to do. And you still dare to ask me why I even bother coming home. Yeah, like why? Who in the right mind wants to come home to this kind of place? You used that tone again. Said that if I take your money I have to do work. The more I say this, the more it sounds like child labour to me. And then, you went on to tell me that if I piss you off again you might just pick up the cane and let history repeat itself. Hi, woman. Wake. Up. You might let history repeat itself, but I won't. This time, I will make damned sure I grab it out of your hand and shove it in your face the way you did to me the other time. And throw it out the window. You can thank me for not caning you back, because I actually have a heart, as opposed to you. On second thoughts, maybe I don't. Because seeing you cry just fills me with glee, and I might want to see you beg me to stop hitting you. But I knw I won't do it. I feel the pain, but not one ounce of fear. Just try. Stop feeling superior. Because really, the only reason I'm not talking back or retaliating to what you do is because I can't be bothered, and I have more important things to do. Just try man. And you'll see what I mean by I am not afraid. I just see no way out. Since you said that if I want your money I have to do work, so I don't take your money and don't do work. And throw my phone in for you too. Then you flare up and get unhappy and beat me up. You give me back my phone and money, and now make me start doing chores for you because you say I take your money. Did I ask for it back? Even if I was struggling with what little bit of money I have, even if I have to eat instant noodles every dinner and nutella bread every lunch, and have no money to buy myself drinks during break. Even if I can't have a phone. I don't even mind. Oh for fuck's sake, would you like to make up your mind what you'd like me to do? You're one hell of a messed up woman I'll never figure out. [5] Wednesday, September 9, 2009 Finally felt quite accomplished at completing history essay plan with Sharman today. Hope it doesn't get smacked back in my face. [edit] Just minutes after this post, our essay plan was sent back. I'm sorry, let me rephrase that. Our essay plan was thrown back in our faces. I feel sad and doubt I can EVER do well for history. [/edit] [edit @ 146am] Crazy time. Just looked through Kasmir essay plan, going to sleep now. Study date tmr, still deciding where to go. And I realised (not like I didn't knw it before) I'm a freaking indecisive person. Haha, too bad. Anyw, feels like I need some SERIOUS freedom after promos. Ever since the OSIM masquerade, my father doesn't seem to be willing to let me go for CIP that starts freaking early and has long hours. He thinks I'm out fooling around. Don't even knw whether he's gna let me go for the one I recently signed up. Especially after seeing his reaction when the certificate of completion of the OSIM CIP came through in the mail yesterday. "Another CIP?!" "Certificate only la..." That CIP comes with allowance man. Okay you people stop giving me the look like I am so evil and money-faced $.$ But I need the money what! And it's always a bonus, don't tell me you don't want it. I can't go for overnight CIPs, no sleepovers, no overnight mugging session, can't go overseas with friends (that's more understandable) But hell, my life is a sad reason for living. Can't have anyth. Tired to the max. Goodnight. [/edit] [6] Tuesday, September 8, 2009 Feeling much better lately. Have been doing revision with Wenyi these days. Though it hasn't always been productive, and we talk a lot of crap, but still can manage, I hope. Just received an email from Mr Lai telling us all the essay plans and notes we can refer to as our "cheat sheets" in preparation for the exam. And he'd uploaded everyth on IVLE, including practice questions, which very unfortunately I have to say I can't attempt, because I'm too short of time.. Makes me feel obliged to do well for history. But damn hard ): Doing econs revision today. Done Perfect Comp and parts of Monopoly. But am unsure whether it is in my head so I kept going over it again and again. Which is quite a waste of time. Zzz. HOW TO STUDY EFFICIENTLY AND EFFECTIVELY? I'm a dumbass man. Zai jian, going to study Monopoly now D: P.S. to SWY: CSECSECSECSE WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAMS! ---- [edit @ 2006] Hi guys, I'm really stupid because I haven't done a single thing except watch the gory bits of Saw 2 and 3 and eat dinner in the past 3 hours. WASTE OF MY ALREADY NOT ENOUGH TIME. I think I am going to stick to my new regime of taking afternoon naps until late and then revising till 3am. I will plug my earphones in if I have to keep my eyes away from what's showing on TV. Distractions are so lethal. Now, econs, for real. [/edit] Better [7] Happier things today!  At OSIM CIP ages ago. Liow is a triathlon finisher! LOL. At Army Open House:  Wei Quan the long-lost senior! Pardon my big mouth ZZZ.  Like the huge gun? :D Today, celebrated Chiouyih's 17th birthday at BPP mac with lots of other people! We gave her a surprise, think she enjoyed herself (: Group photo:  Everyone looks nice here. Minus me and my big mouth. Tsk. After promos this year, I want to bake cupcakes that looks like this:   Aww, so sweet! Anyw, thanks to everyone that showed your concern for me. Really thanks a lot to you people. I'm fine, not suicidal or anyth, and I'll be okay. Shall strive to become Ironwoman as Yuhong and Junhao said. Evolve from Superwoman ;) ---- I've given up and never reminisce I've found a way of getting over this I let go in every way 'Cos I don't need you Stronger [8] Monday, September 7, 2009 Hey world. I'm still alive, so surprisingly. Still able to talk and laugh, and run and jump. Like nothing had happened to me at all. Everyth still looks the same. Except the fact that there are numerous scars across my calves and back. Swollen, bled, and blue-black. I have nothing to say to it. There is nothing left to say anyw. The harm's done and nothing can change it. And now there is evidence all over me to remind me of the hatred. I knw that nothing can salvage this, because it's been so long, and we've had so many talks. But it just doesn't work, because you never can seem to understand what little things I feel. You don't understand what the whole issue is about. It is really not something so minute as you see. It's how you trample all over me every time. You don't see all that I have actually done for you, and dismiss it halfheartedly. Have I not done everyth you want, the way you want it, by the time you want it before? Have I not listened to your every word and bidding, and did as I was told? How could you just ignore everyth that I spent my time and effort on? You never seem to see that the things you say and do actually cause me hurt. Are you trying to make yourself feel better? To convince yourself that you actually are in control of the whole situation? Or were you too unhappy to see me getting on each day like normal, without any difficulty, much as you would like to see struggling? Was that why you let the cane rain on me, let me bleed, and see me cry? You just want to see me inferior to you, don't you? You want to see my pleading for you to stop, and backing away from you and your cane. But I did not plead, and I did not cower. Even as you caned me, again and again, I did not back away. Did not even flicker. I let you hit me, again and again. I'm not sure why I did. But no, it's not because of your tears. Your tears are worth nothing, and I feel nothing seeing you shed them. If hitting me makes you feel better, you can. But you can see it yourself, that I am no longer afraid of you, or anyth you do, like I used to be. So what if you've give me my phone back, given me my allowance back, helped me do the laundry and ironed my clothes for me? I don't need you. Nor any of these things you do. Now it seems like I have a burden to carry. All over again. Did you think that after hitting me so madly yesterday, you can revert to doing those things willingly? You just needed to vent your frustrations on me? And after that, everyth would be fine? You're a sick woman. And I still yearn to grow up and be free from you. And I will be fine. Just like nothing had ever happened. And when those wounds heal itself bit by bit, until it finally disappears, you might be fooled into thinking that nothing really happened. But I won't. I should let the whole world knw about you and your abusive behaviours. There must be at least 20 wounds on my body. I hope you feel guilty looking at my bleeding, sore and ugly legs now. And I will not wear anyth long enough to deliberately cover it. Still alive, still alive. Sometimes I'm really thankful that I am so strong-willed. And I will not crumble and fall, just because of you. All the pain I'm feeling now, is just numbing me more and more. I shall never believe that you loved me as your own, nor that you have my interests at heart. I never felt so, probably never will feel so. You should wonder over why I never ask for things from you, and why I never repeat my requests. It's simply because I knw you won't see it the way I do, I'd given up since long ago. What's the point really, of wasting my breath on someone who will never understand. You claimed that you would understand and let me off if I'd asked nicely the second time. That's just what you think. I'd done it so many times that I'd given up totally. Stopped asking totally. Because you just won't understand. You think that everyth you do is justified and I am the biggest spoilt brat in the world. Let me tell you this. No spoilt brat stands years of doing chores for you like your free maid. No spoilt brat stands there doing nothing while you hit her. No spoilt brat gives you face like I gave you face. You always claim to knw me inside out. So what do you really understand about me in all these years? Nothing huh, I can tell. Such a great disappointment. I thought things needn't have to end this way. My heart is brimming with emotions that, even after writing all these, it has not settled one bit. But I already don't knw what else can I say. Don't even knw what else I can do. Saturday, September 5, 2009 心死后 今天 终于 什么都死了 身上千刀万剐的痛 不比心痛 说了这么多 哭了这么久 你还是不懂 After all this fight. I'm back to having nothing. I don't understand [9] Friday, September 4, 2009 Having a splitting headache now, and I don't knw how, or why it started. I really wanted to come here and complain about more things, in an angsty and heated manner. But I feel too exhausted now to muster up that strength to flame people. So dudes, your lucky day. Still, I got to say that the school's really dumb to the max. Causing many of us utter inconvenience, and not even bothering about our welfare. Thanks for the half-explanations, but they sounded really crappy to me. That's all I want to say to you dudes. Now, I would like to give you guys another warning/reminder. Do not text/call me! Apparently my mother has taken a liking to spam calls to my friends who text me. So yeah, please don't give her satisfaction of doing so. Remove my number from your phone please, remove me from the groups I'm in and everyth because I won't be able to receive them anyw. Finally had some decent food today. In case you don't knw what kind of torture I've been going through, I shall tell you. Monday night, my mother didn't cook dinner, so I had to eat instant noodles. On Tuesday, which was a school holiday, nobody bought me any breakfast, and my mother disallowed me to take money from her. So I ate instant noodles for brunch. On Wednesday, I ate instant noodles again for lunch and dinner because my mother only cooked for my brothers (WTF?). Yesterday, no, not instant noodles. But cold and disgusting vegetarian beehoon (no offense, but I really disliked it). My parents just don't care that I dislike eating beehoon. I've been eating the lousy prawn noodle from stall 8 in school for I don't knw how many days because it is only $1. And finally I am eating stall 4 today! Like salvation man. Because of this, I managed to save quite a lot of money this week. And damn sick of noodles now already because I've eaten so much of it. And my mum finally cooked today, but she cooked noodles. I just felt like puking looking at it. So I told my father I ate outside already, which is true too. After seeing this, I hope people will stop hounding me for money which I really need not pay. Please understand my situation and not demand for my money anymore. Tyvm. 9 days left. Feel so sick. Crazy [10] Thursday, September 3, 2009 I think I'm going crazy. 10 freaking days to promos, and I practically have not done anyth at all. Don't knw what the heck I am thinking of man. But I am too exhausted from doing my WR till late for the past 2 nights. Anyw, I want to say that the school admin is damn retarded. I was late for school today, and I reached at 8.50am. After the William person recorded my name down and everyth, I went to class.When I got back home, my father asked me whether I went to school because the school called at 10+am to say I did not report to school. Hello?! What is your point of recording stuff down when you don't bother to take note of it uh? Totally lame please. And to our dearest student council, seriously, this is from the bottom of my heart. Stop coming up with lame things like "Mr/Ms. RV" which totally serves no purpose at all. You might find votes with slightly unkind things written on it,and yes, I wrote it. Just to let you knw, coming up with stuff like this does not really count as improving student welfare or really doing things for us. Don't do all these and claim that you guys do alot for us. None of these really affect my life in school, so honestly, WHAT IS THE POINT? Anyw, Yeejin says that the statement "The biggest year 5 post-exam celebration EVER!" is invalid, because it is like, the first. Stop the nonsense la. I think our school is already crazily elitist enough. And is in no need of more people advocating things like this. Not everyth needs to be a competition or a show for all to see man. You guys should try and start to face more serious problems instead of such things that are really a waste of time and resources. Sincerely, from a concerned member of the student body. P.S. It's alright if any of you reading this are councillors, or have opposing views to what I say. Because I don't care. Go write it in your own blog and don't disturb me with more nonsense. Tyvm. Wednesday, September 2, 2009 Freaking PW's got me staying up at this unearthly hour. Okay, maybe not, it's only like 1am. But for me it is! It's such a crazy cold day today I keep shivering even though I am wearing a jacket right now. Don't think I'd be too keen in getting up for school in a few hours' time. Considering that (i) it's such a nice temperature to laze around in bed and; (ii) I'm still not asleep at this time. Goodness I think I must have gone crazy from all the things coming at me all at the same time. On a lighter note, tmr's Wednesday which means that both history lessons are gone! (But I think there's gna be make-up lessons, nasty). And no lectures, no training. Just quiet little tutorials and chem make-up lesson. Missing those days back when we talk cock all day and all night, and write silly letters drawing silly things. Sharing secrets and bitching about people. No la only you listen to me bitch because you're too angelic to bitch about others. Haha the times. Miss you and your lame jokes yo. What brought on such emotions? I don't knw but it suddenly feels so overwhelming I have to express it! Get together soon (: Things really change as life gets on. People come and people go in my life, and it's never in my control as to whether I want to keep them.Best friends yesterday becomes acquaintances today.Things that I thought would never change and will be this way all my life are showing me, bit by bit, that nothing lasts forever.. As life goes on, I'm forced to leave behind some things, some people. If I could, I really would like to go back and pick them up again. I missed all the things that I used to do with these people, that we don't do anymore. We have our own lives and own things to do. We will not remain as the sole thing in each others' worlds anymore. Guess I just have to accept it since this is life for me. I really just want to go and huddle under my blanket...): The cold's so demoralising haix. In the end [12] Tuesday, September 1, 2009 In The End - Linkin Park It starts with One thing I don't know why It doesn't even matter how hard you try Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme To explain in due time All I know Time is a valuable thing Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings Watch it count down to the end of the day The clock ticks life away It's so unreal Didn't look out below Watch the time go right out the window Trying to hold on, but didn't even know Or wasted it all just to watch you go I kept everything inside And even though I tried, it all fell apart What it meant to me will eventually be A memory of a time when I tried so hard and got so far But in the end it doesn't even matter I had to fall to lose it all But in the end it doesn't even matter One thing, I don't know why It doesn't even matter how hard you try Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme To remind myself how I tried so hard In spite of the way you were mocking me Acting like I was part of your property Remembering all the times you fought with me I'm surprised It got so far Things aren't the way they were before You wouldn't even recognize me anymore Not that you knew me back then But it all comes back to me in the end You kept everything inside And even though I tried, it all fell apart What it meant to me will eventually be A memory of a time when I tried so hard and got so far But in the end it doesn't even matter I had to fall to lose it all But in the end it doesn't even matter I've put my trust in you Pushed as far as I can go And for all this There's only one thing you should know I've put my trust in you Pushed as far as I can go And for all this There's only one thing you should know I tried so hard and got so far But in the end it doesn't even matter I had to fall to lose it all But in the end it doesn't even matter |
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