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13 Monday, August 31, 2009 Just two weeks left till the start of promos. What have I done? What can I say. After I've finally cleared all the assignments at hand and can start on revision, PW pops out of nowhere and spoils my plan. But no choice huh.. So much for putting it off till now. Feel so jaded. The thought that after this week ends, it would be the last 7 days left to final exams. I can't believe that it's the most major exam I've had in ages and I've not started revision. Everyth in me wants to start, but everyth around me is stopping me. Earlier nights and earlier mornings I guess. Wish me luck that I can revise fully my 4 subjects in 13 days. History's particularly worrying, because I honestly do not knw anyth from the start till now. And all the time essays roll around I do last minute work and research that only covers that area. Which explains why I never get a good score for any of them. Math is almost a goner, have never passed at all. I hope that econs and chem would pull me through. Somehow.. somehow.. Sometimes I really wonder why are some things so hard. I just read in the papers that there's this female prodigy who is only 14, yet she has already taken 'O' levels and gotten As in all subjects. And she's going to proceed on to take 'A' levels soon. At 14. Her brother's equally smart.Is it just because they are home-schooled? Doubt so huh. Why do such things happen? Feels like a failure. Sunday, August 30, 2009 It's so late now, I wonder why I am still not in bed though I'm feeling rather tired. Maybe I just don't want to meet Sunday in the morning to realise I have an untouched history essay to rush out by 6pm. Or maybe I just don't want to open my eyes to remember I am too hard up on cash for one meal out. I feel like the shopaholic. Being so determined that I'll save money from what little I actually have but never ending up the right way. Just that I am not quite so self-delusional, nor spend all my money on shopping. Still, it's a bad situation, and she's still better off since she works and earns some money. Life has gotten so tough. I try so hard, but it doesn't even matter. I might never win, but I'll be obstinate about what I deem as right till the last moment. I said that I will never subject myself to the kind of slavery again, and I will hold true to my words. Nothing matters, then I suppose I could just leave everyth behind. And move on myself. Succumbed again. I'll never win. Saturday, August 29, 2009 So yesterday haven't been an awesome day. Partly because I started the day getting an incredibly low mark on my GP common test which just made me feel like I'd lost touch with writing essays. And maybe finally understanding why some people thought GP was hard. Then came PE lesson, which made my shoes and socks soaking wet. Plus some bits of grass and mud up my legs. Well, at least I did okay for the assessment. Or life would just have proven to be impossible to live through since it sucks so much. But tough luck to Sharm though, lol. Shall not elaborate =x Went out for Mcvalue lunch after school with Liow. Had a satisfying Big Mac meal and set off to do some work. It's the most productive study date since.. since forever. I took about 2 to 3 hours understaning the topic on Oligopoly alone. The notes are really not helpful because so many things are unclear. But never mind, at least I got that down and out of the way for now. Had wanted to start on revision for econs already. But there's still bloody history essay to hand in tmr. As usual, I have no freaking idea about the question we are supposed to write on. Like, no inkling. So, tough luck to me now huh. Anyw, if I get retained, I'll make sure to not take history as my H1 again. Something, anyth else but just not history. Have a study date on later. Hopefully I'll be as productive as I'd been the past 2 days. ---- Finally, she's starting to make me do chores again. A note in the morning: "Toh Sin Yee, 把衣服晒出去. 抹你的房间." I could almost hear it coming out of her mouth. Those commanding words, and that tone of voice. I contemplated for about 2 hours whether I should do it. She can even do it in a bloody note. A part of me thinks I should just ignore that note, since there's not much else she can do to me even if I just leave the house without doing any of it. A part of me just wants to stop stooping to her level and playing mind games and just get it over and shut her up. I just did the laundry. But not going to mop the floor because I took too long contemplating and I don't have time. If she's unhappy that it's dirty, she can jolly well go lick it up herself. I almost haven't been in it, except to sleep, all week. Anyw, doing chores makes me feel more justified to eat up all the things at home. I just ate two packets of Hello Panda and a peach yoghurt. Lol. So whatever. I don't knw. I find that when I wake up in the morning everyday, the first thing that comes to my mind is the money I have left and what am I going to do to make sure it lasts longer. I knw that this morning when I woke up, I was thinking whether it would be appropriate for me to steal off my ATM card and withdraw another 50 or something. You knw what? I knw that doing those things she commanded me to do will not earn me back my phone, nor the 10 bucks which she took away from my allowance. And okay, I really don't need my phone but I really need money. I knw that she will not give anyth back to me unless I have agreed and promised to revert back to doing all the house chores. Which I will not. I knw that I am going the hard way. Like what can a few chores do to you? Why do you refuse and reject it so much? No.. You're wrong. I am not rejecting doing house chores. I am perfectly fine with doing it. It is the way she commands me to do it. Like seriously, I am a maid or a dog. And what can a few house chores do to you? Lots. I wouldn't even half mind if she just wanted me to do the odd laundry on weekends or mop the floor. I can do all the dishes even. But when I get back from school, so tired and all I want to do is really to eat, bathe and sleep. Then she tells me to do the laundry every single night without fail. And I have to iron the uniforms some nights as well. It just makes me wonder what does she really do at all la. Cook dinenr? She doesn't even cook like every single day. So what happens is that, she gets back home from work at 2pm, while I am in the middle of some lesson, like history lecture, or chem lab, or floorball, or econs tutorial? And then she goes to sleep until like 5pm? And then she cooks dinner, and sits herself down in front of the telly till she goes to sleep. Yes I knw this, because there are days when I've been sick and stayed home and seen her do all these. Chores she's done all day? Hmm.. Wash her own clothes and cook dinner. And when I get home around 7 or 8pm she'll be like "iron the uniforms and do laundry later, I am so tired. Oh and remember to fold the clothes." So, WTF? What are you tired about man. Just shut up already. The worst thing is not just about doing the chores. The thing is that she claims that I never ever do anyth to contribute at home and I treat my house like a hotel where I just come home to eat and sleep then leave early in the morning again. HELLO? So your clothes have hands and legs and are capable of laying themselves out on bamboo poles, can iron themselves flat and nice and hang themselves up. And fold themselves into neat piles too? And yeah, not forgetting that her dishes can scrub themselves clean and hop up to the rack. Like stop being a bitch la. You ask me to do, then I do it despite being tired myself. Then she doesn't even appreciate it. Yeah that's another problem, after I do something she'll just complain that it's not well done. For fuck's sake then do it yourself and don't waste my time la. Help you do you still complain. Whevever I ask if she can do them because I am feeling tired, like after floorball. She'll say "you chose to join one what, none of my business, you never do finish cannot sleep." Excuse me, what do you think about that now? And there she was saying, if I am really tired I would have asked her to do it for me and she would. My arse la, just shut up and stop acting like a saint lo. Like talking to you is any use at all. Whatever la I really wonder why I just rambled off so long on this. I am not mopping the floor see what she wants to do to me. What do you feel like after a draining day at school and can't even seek solace at home because it is a whole new battle going on? Fucked up huh. Thursday, August 27, 2009 Didn't do anyth since I got back home, because I'd done everyth that is urgent at hand to hand in (: For once. This shall be a short (and angsty) post because I am going to sleep soon. I'm angry with so many people. I feel like I am constantly angry with the world, but I have come to accept the fact that there is no point in trying not to be. Because there are just so many irritating and effed up people out there to piss me off. Seriously, if you simply have nothing to do then you should just hide in a corner and entertain your own sorry ass la, why do you come and ruin my morning with your very unfunny actions, and expect me to feel amused? Ah, fuck yourself please thanks. And get the hell out of my sight. I do not appreciate anyth you do at all. AND TO ALL THE USELESS PEOPLE AT HOME! STOP EATING AND DRINKING UP ALL THE THINGS I BOUGHT FOR MYSELF WITH MY OWN MONEY YOU IDIOTS!!! YOU DON'T WANT GIVE ME MONEY THEN DON'T TOUCH MY THINGS OKAY, BITCH!!! RAWRRRRR!!! And lastly, I want to complain that my cash is depleting at a rate that is as fast as the speed of light. All because my mother refuse to give me anyth more than my weekly allowance. And I have to pay for every other shit on my own. Which is really coming up to alot. Math TYS + class photos + floorball photos + photocopying fee!! Bloody 20 bucks please. I'll just keep stealing my ATM card out and withdraw money to survive. Shoot me if you not happy. Wednesday, August 26, 2009 Things to complete by tonight: 1. Integration 3 assignment 2. Alkenes tutorial 3. Ionic Eqm assignment Starting to complete more homework. Sacrificing some sleep. I've always tried to balance between amount of homework done and amount of hours slept. I have always chosen to sleep over doing homework. But maybe things have to change now. I shall derive my happiness and satisfaction from completing homework, and wintermelon tea :D Oh yeah, the photos for CCA and class are out. And no surprise, I look so black and fugly in all of them I wonder why -.- Aiya actually I knw why la, like what Jianlong says "It's time you did something about your hair, it's getting messier and messier everyday" and black... I'm just black lo... D: But anyw, still love floorball informal shot! Woohoo buying 8R stick on my wall :D I wish that my life will start to become happier as I throw things that don't matter right out the window. Anyw, it's official. I will not be having a phone at least till the near future. So if you want to contact me, don't text! My evil mum will read and delete it. Call me at home or IM me on MSN! Life's good without a phone (: And I love your mp3 (: Tuesday, August 25, 2009 Things to complete by tonight: 1. GP comprehension 2. Econs MF tutorial CSQ 3. Math graphing remedial worksheet As promos draws nearer and nearer with each passing day, I've come to realise how very very short 24 hours in a day actually is. Not that I don't knw this already, but it's so real this time I am intimidated by the thought of it. I don't have enough time for sleeping, not enough time to do homework or revision, not enough time for everyth. I just feel like everyth is piling up and drowning me along with it. I don't knw man. I don't knw what to say. Maybe I should start doing some of the things listed up there. So I wouldn't be stopped going to my break tmr. ): Monday, August 24, 2009 Things I am supposed to complete by tonight: 1. Alkanes tutorial 2. Alkenes tutorial (part) 3. Math graphing remedial worksheet Things i have completed tonight: Nothing. Miserable days. Goodnight. Sunday, August 23, 2009 I have not done everyth I should, but I already feel drained. Shall turn in soon since tmr is the start of the dreadful week. Monday blacks D: Was just reading some archives and gathered my thoughts about what I have read. In love, promises are not everyth. Sometimes, it is even nothing. Promises brings disappointment, and I would rather do without such unneccesary things. Words are cheap, let your actions prove. A love without any such promises can be as beautiful. ---- [edit] You are the worst misery of my life and the most inhumane person I knw. And you gave me this life. What a fucking irony. Fuck you, bitch. I really hate you with every fibre of my soul. Time would come and you'll get what you deserve. Just you wait bitch, just you wait. Nothing left but hatred. Can't you see? Why do I have to bother to help this heartless woman do any of her work? Just because I'm her daughter? She fucking deserves to slog her ass off man, slothy bitch. Why does she have to give me so many things to hate her for? Honestly. I can't be bothered to open my mouth to answer her or look at her hateful face. I'm just patiently waiting for the day she's old and frail and can't do no shit but beg me for forgiveness. And you can bet I won't do that. Help you? In your fucking next life, NOT. Things to complete by tonight: 1. Econs tut 5 essay 3a, 3b 2. Econs tut 6 essay 1, 2 3. Update history journal Flooded by econs homework, madness. Anyw, am here to post about the friendly match with Catholic High C'div boys yesterday. We lost the match 8-3 but I have no regrets, because I think I did give my all and ran my ass off for the match against the bunch of monkeys from Cat High. Wasn't quite feeling well at the start, but I decided not to let what happened during the IJC match to repeat again, so I just did what I should. The boys were fast, and they dribble the ball well. The first period we played was rubbish, but it gradually got better and more aggressive too. But that's not the main point. The main point is that, those boys lack basic respect and sportsmanship that all sportsman should have to qualify for matches. Okay, granted they are only 13 or 14, but they should also be mature enough to knw that it is inappropriate (to say the very least) to laugh or jeer when your opponent has fell or injured themselves. It's just plain sickening to knw that I woke up at freaking 6am and travelled halfway across Singapore to play with a bunch of insincere assholes and self-centered pigs who cannot even be bothered to shake your hand properly, say thank you or good game, or even look at your face. Spirit of a sportsman much? But whatever, grown-up people like us shall not bother about immature little boys, as how Stella calls them. After the match, which drained all my energy and leaving me a cramp in the inner thigh plus a sore elbow from a hard fall on court, we were made to do suicide drills. Zzz up and down flights of stairs. Almost died. Glad that I made it out of the gates of Cat High alive, albeit not very kicking. Then went to J8 with team for lunch at LJS. Couldn't remember the last time I went out to eat with the team, if I had ever lol. Funny incident happened in LJS between Eileen and one of the staff of LJS. But that person was just plain irritating, and I still cannot tell if that person is a male or a female. Alright nothing more to say. I think I should embark on my work now. ---- Nobody can seem to understand my thinking, and they all think that I am wrong. Stop taking me for granted, it is not the 19th century anymore. I refuse to conform to the traditional mindset that females are the ones who should do all the house chores. And I don't see why not doing it means that I have no right to take money from my parents. They brought me to this world as a human, it is their responsibility to make sure I have enough to eat and a shelter above my head. I do not have to use labour to exchange for money, what kind of screwed up logic is that? Conversely, they are not entitled to having us take care of them in their old age, because some of them just don't deserve it, for example my mother. And I will not die even when I grow up, because I already knw how to do all these. It's not as if I have never done anyth before and grew up like a spoilt brat. It's not that I refuse the chores, it's with the way they order me to do it like I owe them something. Yes, it's true that when I grow up, chores will fall on my shoulders as well. At that time, I will accept it because it would be my responsibility, as the mother of the house or whatever to do the work. But now, I have a living and breathing healthy mother. I don't see why I have to do it. It just makes no sense. It is a generation gap problem, and I simply cannot see things their way. So stop preaching to me that I should help my mum. It is what she is supposed to do, and none of my business really. Full stop, say no more. I don't even care if anyone reading disagrees with me, I believe in only myself. I want to get better. Friday, August 21, 2009 Friday is coming to an end soon, and the weekends can't really be fully utilised for studying. Still feeling so tired, especially after my 4km today at the stadium around Pioneer with Wenyi. Nontheless, felt accomplishment, finished it in around 25 minutes. Then we did 20 sit-ups because Seow felt like it. Stretched, and walked home. Having friendly match tmr at Catholic High, which is like at Bishan. Need to wake up crazy early, so I guess I'd better sleep soon. Am really feeling worn out from the whole week which seemed to drag on and is neverending. Still, feeling happy since my EoM had been approved for printing by Ms Tee already. So, my choice to fight fatigue and do my EoM drafts 4 and 5 in the past 2 nights had paid off (: It's just 3 weeks left to promos, and no, I have no so much as started on any bit of revision. Am feeling quite stressed out, but I can't do anyth about it because I can't even finish all the homework that the teachers are drowning us in, not to even mention revision. I really feel helpless, so what am I supposed to do? Why can they do it, and I just can't? Has it something to do with me, or something out of my control? I really need to do something about this, but everyth around me is not making things easier. I want just simple things, to start my revision, do my homework, and to have more sleep. Why is even that so difficult? As I saw what happened in my face today, I contemplated the reason for the action. And realised that I had just been running away the whole time. If I really sit down and think about it, all the topics that are tested and I am unfamiliar with is intimidating. Maybe that action will be the justification for my lost and messed up feelings, but I knw that I will not, and cannot crumble, simply because I have not tried hard enough yet. Still, I feel lost. And trapped. Can you tell me what do I have to do to catch up? Can you make it stop? All the things around me that I don't want, and don't need. Can it stop, please? I constantly feel irritated at all the nitty gritty things that don't matter, maybe because I'm overflowing soon. Can I please take a breather? And remember where I am and what I am working for? I have lost all senses in the numbing rush. Happiness has fallen to negative. But no one has the time to stop and care, because they are all in the rush themselves. Thursday, August 20, 2009 Didn't accomplish anyth tonight, except for 1 question in chem tutorial. I didn't get my EoM back. Sometimes I really feel so sick of life. How do I describe what I feel right now? I am not a good person, not in nature and I don't try much. I don't care much. I don't want to knw much. I just want to live and let live. My mind is filled with many "why?"s now to which I think I will never figure out the answers. So why bother, I'm going to sleep and escape for awhile. Stop bothering me. Things to complete by tonight: 1. Ionic Eqm ~12 2. EoM final draft (if I get it back in time) 3. Math remedial worksheet 4 Feel good that I managed to complete my EoM draft 5 last night despite from being so drained from training. Hope I will keep to my daily agenda because I find that writing things into my scheduler will cause me to conveniently forget it when I get home. So I don't really write stuff in it anymore. Good progress for chem tutorials, a little for math (at least I'm doing something, it used to be nothing). And econs just seems neverending because before I can finish 3 essays, 2 more comes up. So ohwell, what to say? I hope I can keep up the momentum of doing work. I haven't started on revision for promos yet. And there's only 3 weeks left till promos. Plus, trainings are not stopping just yet, and PTs shifted to Saturdays. But my problem is just with Saturday trainings. Urgh, I feel damn trapped. Running 4km tmr after school, since it's already the last day to do it and I have waited till now. Zzz. Many things irritate me easily recently. Like over-enthusiastic staff in McDonald's who pissed me off majorly yesterday. And all the bad service attitude. Plus rude and noisy people who make hell lots of noise in the school library. Maybe it's just PMS, because I do not hesitate to tell people off. Time is not on my side, and I do not need extra (unimportant) things to add on to the load. I don't wish to do things merely for the sake of it. But hello la, who gives a damn to me. I hate having to comply to a supposing responsibility, while having no positive feelings or whatsoever towards it. I see no reason and it's binding me. It's just a bad time la, can't you see? Am turning apathetic and ignorant. I just don't want to be bothered by the same old thing anymore since nothing ever bloody changes. Wednesday, August 19, 2009 Things to complete by tonight: 1. EoM draft 5 Nothing else because I am so drained from training. Tuesday, August 18, 2009 Things to complete by tonight: 1. EoM draft 4 2. Integration 1 assignment 3. Functions & differentiation remedial worksheet And I have abit more than 1 hour to finish all these. Anyw, I just wanted to post about my freaking screwed chem SPA which I took today. This time I don't think I would do well for it because I keep making mistakes. And a lousy dropper screwed my life! As I was doing the last bit of marking up of the graduated flask with de-ionised water, I was using a dropper. Then I squeezed a few times, just the last few bits left, and guess what happened? The glass part of the dropper detached itself completely from the red rubber top, and the glass part fell into my graduated flask. LIKE WTF?! I swear I was already feeling stressed with two teachers doing experiments at the bench behind mine. They probably thought it was freaking funny. I didn't, because I had to redo the whole damned thing. My confidence had already dipped to the minimum possible point. Zzz. This is totally my craziest and messiest pactical ever. And it had to be the one that matters. Wtf. After that I just didn't really feel very confident anymore so Iwasn't very careful. I think I made many mistakes I normally wouldn't make. But WHATEVER LA. Zzz. Life damn tough la. Go do work liao, bye. Monday, August 17, 2009 Monday: Just over, half dead. Tuesday: Chem SPA, math remedial (~5.15pm) Wednesday: 4km run (?), training (~6.30pm) Thursday: Econs make-up (~2pm) (hopefully nothing else springs up) Friday: Chem make-up, floorball PT, history make-up (~5pm) Saturday: Friendly match with Catholic High C'div boys (reach at 7.45am, Bishan) I always hate myself for living at Boonlay. But if I'm lucky it might be the last Saturday training I'll be attending. WTF?! Friday is supposed to be my earliest-released day, at 11am! What the complete effing crazy shit. Tell me what is the point of having a timetable please. I am starting to lose track of my life, and all my senses as well. Anyone needs me to remind them that promos are like less than 30 days away? The above schedule is very not befitting for my current position. Please do something about it, tyvm. 告诉我你认为我应该做的是什么. 我就老实说, 我不知道, 真的不知道你到底还要我怎么样, 你才可以让我不要这么痛苦地过. 已经到了一个连对话都没有任何意义的时候, 因为我说什么你都不懂, 你也根本就不屑去懂, 我到底为什么会这样. 你说我变了. 不, 我并没有变. 是我已经忍受够了, 厌倦了被你当成一条狗呼来喝去的. 累了不能休息, 不能做我应该做的事. 每天都要活在你的阴影下. 我真的忍受够了你的无理取闹. 你说你只想要回家后有个机会休息一下. 难道我就不想吗? 每天天还没亮就出门, 太阳下山后才到家. 你以为都是我愿意的吗? 就连你下班后我都还在上课. 我自己不想要回家好好休息吗? 就只因为你是我妈, 我就什么都不必说了, 不是吗? 你还要我说什么, 你知道了也不屑去懂, 还要我跟你说什么? 我回家根本就没有任何意义, 你也知道吧? 回家是为了什么, 看你的脸色, 过难过的夜晚. 等到闹钟响起的时候, 匆匆离开这个没有温暖, 没有人情味, 不像家的家. 钱你不给, 就不给吧. 电话不还, 就拿去吧. 我的衣服不洗, 我自己不会洗吗? 没有你, 我活不下去吗? 现在就告诉你, 我不需要你. 不需要你的不关心, 你的无情无义, 你的蛮不讲理. 没有你我一样会过得很好. 我会过得更好. 我一点都不需要你. 心已灰, 意也已冷. 除了我自己, 谁都不会明白我是多么认真. 我一点都不会后悔. 事实就是, 我不需要你. 你也不能永远都铐住我. 总有一天我会有办法挣脱. 而那一天来时, 我会永远记得你对我的特别照顾. 你不要后悔. 后悔也已太迟了. ---- Life has become terribly meaningless and painful, but I've learnt to seek solace in homework. (o.o) And look on the bright side of all things. To see that there is actually a bright side for all things. Maybe it's only when all else fails that I find my friends and others around me so valuable. Thanks for your concern. I will definitely be fine, because I am stronger than this. Please stop. Saturday, August 15, 2009 I have no idea why I'm feeling sick again. What's with the queasy feeling in my stomach the whole time, urgh =/ Anyw, I wna say that, me and liow won the second prize card for the Netbook today. And our reaction? The first time: OMG, are we lucky or what?! Today: WTF scam la! He's probably right that there are thousands of people who have the prize card. Because we saw one guy at the other table with it too. 3 out of 10 all in the span of 30 minutes at JP? Not bloody likely. URGH I think I'll never get that Netbook D: I'm condemning LJS along with Subway if I don't get to win it man ): Oh and also, we noticed that the 4 people sitting to our left, plus the other 2 on our right, all got the exact same design for the mobile phone screen wiper. This is so disturbing, I'll never eat at JP LJS if I want to get something that is what I want. It's probably better to win a "Thank you for your participation", than get the stupid prize card and have it slip out of your hands! Pictures from 1308:  Our giant meals!  Me and the huge burger :D Homework this weekend is as usual, crazy much. Haven't accomplished anyth today because I spent all my time researching for history, but to no avail. Urgh life damn tough D: Need to get more productive than this man, 4 weeks to promos. Damn disheartening. Time for some self-reflection? I guess. I thought I knew what I wanted. So clearly and I thought I had it all in my reach. But apparently, I guess not. It's all still so far away. How long more is it gna take me to finally embrace things, or how much more do I have to change to make everyth right? I'm really sick, and so tired. I don't knw how to describe things just that I am so sick of life right now. Everytime, something just happens and makes me change my mind all over again. I'm pacing up and down square 1, and nothing I could actually do to hurl myself out of this depressing quicksand that makes me sink deeper and deeper. Or is there? I'd like to think I have all the control, and I thought so. But maybe not. My resolute each time crushed by fatigue and my wavering determination. I don't even have time to hesitate and pace around anymore, waiting for a decision, for me to sort out my thoughts. The other day, was just discussing the issue with class girls. Retain? Or scrape pass? For now, I'm at least scraping the promotion criteria, but it's not enough. And I can't afford to drop even a little. I guess, we all knw what we want, somehow. But we lack the urgency and motivation to do it. For me? Way more than that. I need some things to stop reeling me out of control. Seriously. I am so certain it would help. And I am so desperate to have it stop, but it just won't. It just comes back to haunt me again and again. Relentlessly, and cold heartedly. Can you understand this struggle? Can you see that I am trying? No. I don't think you do. I wish you do, just because I am so sick of explaining it. I really wish you do. Because I want it to stop. Or do I just have to admit that I have no control over my life. ONE YEAR :D Thursday, August 13, 2009 This blogger page is getting more and more ridiculous. This post shall be the last thing that I'll do before I go off to bed. Freaking tired today. I find that my dark circles have really become very visible ahh D: This is bad news, need more sleep! Anyw, today is a happy occasion! Went out with liow after school to Vivo for Carl's Junior! We spent almost 2 hours finishing the huge meal, from daylight till it was dark out, but it was satisfying. Reached home not long ago, almost 10pm. And my stupid parents forced me to eat dinner. I swear I can puke everyth out right now. I'm really so full! Grr.. Something funny happened on the train back home. I shall not post too much about it, in case people flame me, but what liow said was freaking funny. "Did they come from Antartica?" Haha okay you guys don't understand lol.. And just a random note. Our school's econs department is really getting more and more cmi. Oh and I wanted to post about something that is more substantial and less brainless. But I'm too tired to think. Will save it for the weekends I suppose. And along witht he post Seow asked for. I have not forgotten! For now, sleep is my only target and priority. Goodnight! Wednesday, August 12, 2009 Day off from school because I'm sick. Bad case of sore throat and flu since yesterday, had a headache halfway through chem prac and then developed a fever when I got back home. Freaking unlucky. Eating now feel like a chore because whenever I open my mouth, my chapped lips feels like it's splitting apart and the ulcer and sore throat don't make it easy to chew and swollow. FML. Anyw the school finally called me today, lol. Did I skip school too many times? ._. Aiya anyw I'm really sick this time round and was still in deep sleep when they called. I hate this laggy computer which takes one hundred million years to load something. Have been wasting time here since 10am.  Haha damn cute, click to enlarge. Was eating this awhile ago. It's very nice and cheap! Used to eat it when I was young and have no money. Grow up liao still no money LOL. 90 cents at the mama shop downstairs only :D  Sapporo potato! Haha okay bye! Monday, August 10, 2009 Some people just make life fucking miserable. Still have not been productive, but so what? I'll just stay back during break on Wednesday and finish the damned remedial worksheet la. Thanks for letting me knw that I am unimportant, as your(s) actions have blatantly shown so. Just when I thought that maybe I didn't feel so bad towards it. Now I think that I am fucking stupid for thinking this way. Because you(s) are just what I had made out to be. Fucking hypocritic and uncaring. You(s) don't need me, I don't need you(s) either. But just stop blabbering all your(s) shit and making me believe. Shut the bloody fuck up and stop pretending! Fuck you and goodbye. I really wonder why I even bother trying. You're so not worth it. I hope I never fall for your fuckload of crap again. Oh the woes of school and homework! After having a brief chat with Josephine online, I discovered that I have a mountainload of homework - UNDONE! Omg I think I'll be deprived of my break on Wednesday because there is no way I'll be able to finish the remedial worksheet by tonight. Plus the integration assignment. I still don't knw what's even going on in differentiation, which was like ten thousand million years ago. Then there's GP test to read up on for the test tmr as well. Plus I STILL HAVE NOT DONE MY HISTORY RESEARCH WHICH IS SUPPOSEDLY DUE TODAY! (Please don't kill me Sylvia =x) Not to mention I still have not made sense of anyth on Alkanes and Alkenes is starting tmr already. Procrastination, much? Then there's PW GPP and EoM wtf... Which is currently stagnant because I am a fucking loser group leader. My goodness, I screw my whole life upside down. 'NUFF SAID. Off to do work. What do I want? Sunday, August 9, 2009 I feel like I am spinning, spinning.. Spinning on the spot, and I can't stop. I think I need to grab hold of myself and give myself a good shake, or I'd spin out of control soon. I can't believe I'm just left with one day of the long weekends to go before school starts again. There's GP test on Tuesday, and once the hectic week starts, it can't stop. If I happened to sleep late on Monday night, I'd likely be tired for the whole week. And I have barely done any work at all for this past two days. I lack too much motivation, and my resolute is cracking. After all the angst and vengeance disappears, I'm still left with nothing, and still stepping on the square number 1 I've been on since forever... Where do I think I'd really end up anyway. Anywhere but here? If I don't stop spinning soon, here's everywhere I'm going to be. Nowhere else. What do I really need to make me start working? Self control? Concentration? Determination? I don't knw. I feel lost. And I'm drowning. But there's no lifebuoy for me to hold on to. And I'm sinking.. Sinking.. Can I really make it? ---- Just wanted to post about the promotion that LJS is currently having. For every meal upsized, you will get this 'Sure Win' prize pack, which includes a mobile phone screen wiper of 6 different designs and a prize card telling you what you're won. I've won a Seafood feast worth $7.90 so far. And today, me and liow thought maybe things were looking up after I opened his prize card and it read.. "Congratulations! You've won a Lenovo S10 Netbook!" And we were happily talking about this prize and how he would borrow it to me since he already has a laptop. But the problem was, we only had 4 out of 6 of the different mobile phone screen wipers, and we need 2 more to complete the set in order to claim the prize. Sucky, no? I mean, what kind of rubbish conditions are those even -.- It was until we got home, and went for a check online. To find that maybe certain designs of the mobile phone screen wipers were even more rare than the prize card to win the Netbook itself. Seems that many are looking for a same one, which is a bronze coloured one with the words "Throw Boring Overboard". We need it too, as well as the other orange one which says "Give Fish A Chance" We noticed that the JP LJS outlet seem to give out only blue coloured screen wipers, and we've had 2 repeats. It just seems so ironic to know that the mobile screen wipers are rarer than the prize card (which there are only 10!) Looks like what seemed so near has slipped out of our hands. Having nothing to do, we went to count the number of national flags on the stage in JP, hoping to get a pair of free tickets to the new local movie "Where Got Ghost?" which was applicable to the first 100 shoppers with the right answer. I got the answer right, and only received a free notebook (like, paper, not a mini laptop). And same for him. Out of curiosity, we went to ask the lady at the CS counter how do we win the tickets. And she replied, only for the first 50 shoppers with the right answer, the second 50 will receive a free notebook. I am number 77 and he is 79. Wtf -.- The notebook ain't even nice looking. ---- War at home for the better or worse? I don't knw. Guess she finally can't stand doing chores, or me taking her money, so she broke the ice first. Bad thing? She said that my allowance will be cut by 10 bucks from next week. I saved my saliva trying to argue. I mean, what's the point, she understand meh? Precisely. And she used my phone to call liow today. For what I don't knw because I told him not to pick up the call. Why is she even using my phone? Ah, bitch. Off to figure out what I want. Waiting If I had three wishes now, I would ask for eternal wealth, for great knowledge, and to skip to 4 years later when I am 21 and out of my parents' control. When I have all the money I need, I don't have to worry about my meals anymore, nor my transport fare. I don't need to eat every meal worrying about my next meal and not pass each day like it's the last I am controlling my life. I don't need to stand the days without a phone, and I can get myself the latest phone in town. And I will get myself a laptop, so that my father can't control the times when I want to use it. When I have great knowledge, I will ace all my exams and come back to throw the result slip in my parents' shocked faces. I will get my scholarships for studying and leave them all alone. Old and miserable, not a single cent from me they should wish to get. They never though I would get far, and I would show them just who's right and who's dumb. Skip to 4 years later, I will be 21. And by then I'd be successful. I'd find a great job, great guy, live a great life. And the two of them will still be what they were 4 years ago, all because they couldn't bother to give me what I simply needed. Just a little understanding. So I wouldn't bother to give them what's filial. I am unfilial, but they don't deserve me to be good to them. I don't need a bunch of people who don't care for me in my life. I don't need these people to add on to all the hindrance. Not for them to leave my laundry behind for me to do on my own, and add their smelly clothes on top of it. Not for them to snap at me to turn off the comp when I'm copying my history things like right now. Not for them to take my phone away, leave no money for me, to starve and having to using a bloody payphone. Why do I need them for? I wouldn't even send them to the old folks' home when they get old, because they are not worth the money I would spend doing so. I will just leave them where they are and they better hope my brothers, the sons they oh-so-dote upon, will return their love. Not me, because they simple deserve nothing from me but hostilities and unkindness. I'm waiting for these years to pass, and I will show them they were so wrong about me. I will do so much better than they think, and I don't need them, nor any other shit of theirs. If I had to work, I will work. But I will not ever subject myself to that kind of slavery again. I have kept silent for so long, I guess they've had enough of the good side of me. Didn't think I'd last so long? Maybe eventually, one day I'd just run out of money and starve to death. I'd wait for the time I faint in school and then reveal all their ugly doings to everyone who wants to knw why a strong person like me would faint all of a sudden. You two are loathed, and you live such a hateful life. What pride do you take in starving your own daughter? Kill me now, or regret when I grow up, and I do all sorts of things to you. You'd probably regret you were ever mean to me. You should remember, that while now you hold the authority to control my life, it will not be forever. I will live to a day where I work and earn my own money and no longer have to depend on you. While you, the opposite. You will live to the day you have to stop working because you are so old and frail and have to depend on your kids to bring you through your old age. Bet you never thought of this, but too late now. I've never thought I could contain so much hatred and so much vengeance. But now I am waiting. And with each passing day, that time draws nearer. And I will wait till finally I am the one who calls the shots. And then? Down you fucking go and eat your own shit, assholes. It's such a sad thing to feel this way towards your own parents, but you knw what? I'm better without them. They turned my heart into stone, so now, they can reap what they sown. Friday, August 7, 2009 Hey all, I'm still alive and kicking, after 5 days of Cold War with the evil empire, it has arrived at the stage of stalemate. And, I am absolutely fine with it if it means that I don't need to do those hateful chores except for my own anymore. Shall not backtrack the past few days' worth of things. Nothing much really, just school which drained the crap out of me, and cold War all the time la FML. National day celebrations today was substandard. Never had a lousier and more fuyan one. Might as well have just stayed home and slept the whole time. I think that some people should really start appreciating what others does for her or she'd be left with nothing. I went to watch UP with liow today! The show was quite touching at some parts and funny too. Worth the money! But my money is depleting damn fast. Grr.. Need to survive man. I think I'm gna die soon. Tuesday, August 4, 2009 Feels like I'm living in a stranger's house. Nobody really cares about me anymore. But ironically, it feels so much better than when they do. Goodnight, and tmr will be better. Or so I sincerely wish. Monday, August 3, 2009 Going to sleep now. With an empty stomach. Empty heart. FUCK YOU. Life's screwed up at the moment. So, not going to be able to post very much. And people around me should have already known what a great fiasco happened last night. And now I am reduced to having to update from the school computer in the library. It's okay, and I'm alright. I don't need any sympathies, or anyone to try and help me. Because I knw that I will be fine. The times where I have stayed silent to not ask for trouble is over. And for now, we'll begin the war. I just wanted you to knw exactly how I felt. But you refused to listen. You don't care to listen. If you're not the very least bit receptive to my feelings, then why the hell do I still bother to explain, or to make you see it my way? Nothing. Then it's fine. Take everyth you want, everyth you can. Then leave me alone. Nothing you do can make me feel at all bothered anymore. Since you're denied me my allowance, my handphone and computern usage. Because the maximum is reached. And whatever else you want to do, whatever else you STILL have not yet done, bring it on. I'd gladly take you on. And please don't think I'd be afraid of your rod. I don't think I'd even feel the pain. For now, I am filled with vicious thoughts of what I am going to do to you as soon as I have the means to. But I'll not be rash and carry them out now and ask for another round of lashing. Maybe 3 or 4 years down the road things will be different. And in the meantime, FUCK YOU. Sunday, August 2, 2009 Here at such an unearthly hour for a short post. I find that girls can really sometimes be so irritating. See, I've been blog-hopping for the past few hours, though I really should be doing my EoM. I just noted that a particular girl from school has tons of different blog urls at every blog I go to. And none of them leads up to her actual blog now. No, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to stalk her blog. I'm just thinking whether the next link I press would actually lead me to something other than "Blog Not Found". Going to sleep soon, after laundry. CIP on tmr, actually in just a few hours' time, need to wake up at around 4am? Cabbing down to BB macs then going to ECP from there. Sounds crazy. But it's okay to indulge in guilty pleasures (i.e. spending hell loads) once in a while. Had not wanted to sleep. But I am so hungry and tired now! Back soon. |
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