Let me dream.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Haven't been feeling good about myself lately.
Minus all the bitchy me stuff which I'd been trying to shut up about before I drive people like Sharman and Wenyi crazy, there's much more to it than just that.

It's not even about the homework that I can't complete. Not even about the chem bonding notes which I can't understand and thus can't do my tutorial 4. Not even about the fact I can't seem to put in enough effort. It isn't even about the B C E U U grades.
Though largely so, I would say.

I had enough of running away. I didn't want to do math, so I ran away. Once I lose track of what my lecturer is teaching, the subsequent lectures are just blindly copying of answers. I thought I'd started well, but I just lose it along the way. Tutorials would be constructive if I make myself listen, otherwise, I'm just passing time. Everyday.

Now that I actually faced up to math, I can't do chem. So I ran away. I don't understand and can't really seem to even when I try. So I run away. It worries me, but I run away. I'm sick of this and I want to make it right.

I knw what I want, but it seems so hard to get. The thought of all I have to do scares me, because it really is a good darn lot. How do I catch up to it? This whole feeling is just too overwhelming. I don't knw where to start. I hate to see myself so out of control, others so composed. Am I still reeling?

I don't knw.
But I want to stop running away. Right now.

Maybe I just have to let it drown me, and learn to breathe it all in. Maybe it will all be fine, maybe not.

Every single time I bring it back, I don't knw what to say. What can I say? I didn't really try, it isn't my best potential, but like real anyone would believe me if I say that. Much less my parents because they think I'm just fucking around with my life. I don't want help, I need to do it myself. From the start. All over again.

Academics aside. I think I am really never as good as I am. Because the disgustingly arrogant me once thought I was the best in everyth athletic-related. Before I opened my eyes when I turned 13 and looked around me. That actually I'm not that good, or even half so.

So many people out there could fling me around without really trying. Did I really not put in my best? Am I really capable of better? I don't want to knw because the answer might just be that I have reached my maximum potential.

It was kind of hard to accept at first. Then it all becomes a norm. Then this is all I can be, that much I can do. All these people try so hard and get what they deserve. And if I don't try hard, and am contented with the least, then maybe I should be the one to shut it up and fuck off already.

What's the big deal if I can do 55 inclined pullups. I bet you can too if you really try. Anyway I bet I can't even hit 40 this time around because of the darn bruise. Or maybe it's just an excuse for an easy way out.

I'm tired of trying to retain everyth that is mine. Over the years I keep losing and losing. I can't keep up and so I cling on to every little thing that I can. But I just thought I'm really tired of it. Maybe just 18 would be enough this year.

I can't deny I am someone who has an extremely huge ego. But it just got deflated smaller and smaller everytime I lose something that should be mine. It just got buried deeper and deeper until all I have left is self-loathe. Everytime I decided to let something go I have to have an internal battle with myself for a long time before I can finally put it down.

Everything I'm not. Can I ever be?
I've got so much to say, but I think I should stop.

They get what they deserve. So I should stop being a terrible person. I don't knw what good am I. But give me some time to find out before I confirm that I am no good.

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Sinyee. 17.
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