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So little time Thursday, April 30, 2009 Am done with my PI 3rd draft. Feel happy about it even though it's kind of late. Suddenly want to chiong for PW because if someone isn't going to help me, I can help myself. I hope it's not too late. Didn't rly train, okay I DIDN'T train today because I wanted to finish my econs essay in school first instead of bringing it back. There was only 30 min left for training when I got back. I knw I want to do my PI tonight and I probably can only manage one thing. And I am right. I have decided to hand in my 3rd draft tmr to lum, whether he wants to read it or not, I cannot help it. I'll submit my final PI on Tuesday. Happy to be able to squeeze another draft in, I thought it was impossible. I want to say that, I am not satisfied with just ME for PI, so don't expect me to be. It is easy for you, because it is my grades you are playing with. My opportunity cost for doing my PI is so huge man. I forgo my chem assignment and tutorials, and math tutorial, but well who cares about that. Tired now, want to sleep. No training tmr, guilty for missing training today. Last day of April. The Month of May is coming! I need more sleep. I need to do my work! Reminder: Save money, start revision for chem test. Thanks for the miseries Tuesday, April 28, 2009 Am seriously so tired after the match today with YJC. Lost to them 1-5. But Stella said we did an amazing job for defending. Can continue to work harder and do better. Trainings on tmr and Thursday. Next game on Monday with RJC. Fight till the last gasp. I thought tmr would be a day for me to have some rest seriously. This whole week's gna be loaded with floorball and I'm neglecting my work. Then suddenly there's going to be training. I hope I pull through all these. I am so worn out. Is my life supposed to revolve around floorball, stop because of floorball and live solely for floorball? I NEED TO DO MY WORK MAN. HOW DO I DO WORK WHEN IM SO TIRED AFTER FLOORBALL EVERYDAY?! So everyone is doing it. So why am I making noise. Maybe it's becuase I'm not as smart nor capable as anyone of them. Maybe it's because I am the last 30 of the cohort. Tell me what is more important. I am doing exactly what I did back in RVTT. Compromising my work for trainings and matches. What I get in the end is just a big fat nothing. I should really have learned. No energy to do much work, thanks mother for loading me with chores still. Thanks for thinking I'm your superwoman, or more like your unpaid maid. You're the best mother one can ask for and I'm so fortunate to have you. Thanks for all the miseries. Bloody fucked up. I want to die right now. Monday, April 27, 2009 Getting nowhere with my PI. Really wonder how much can my parents fuck me up more. Go on and say somemore, see when you hit my breaking point and I just go berserk and kill everyone. See if you're sorry then. If you think I'm just your dog who takes orders without grudges, I'm sorry you better take a good bang at the nearest wall. Come on try me. Why? Will not sleep tonight until I have gotten my PI off my shoulders. Dragged long enough, tmr's the last day or submission. Yeah, I'm only at my 2nd draft. I do not want to do badly for my PW. Can you tell me what to do? When my __ is so ___. I need more determination within me and go against the tide. Had a long talk with fp just now. Adding on to what LWM and Azmi said in class today. Feels that I need to have a change in attitude. Need to stop thinking I can't do it. Because I think that I can. Somehow. Maybe he's right. Have got alot to say. My mother is really making my life miserable. But I am so tired of talking about the same things. If throwing a bitch fit doesn't help, then maybe silence will do the job. If only silence does it. I feel that I am not trying anymore. All I want to do now, is to finish catch up with my work, and do well for the match tmr. RVFBT, 加油加油加油! Control freak Sunday, April 26, 2009 I hope I have gotten whatever needs to be known for tmr's test into my head by now. Though I wouldn't say I was studying exceptionally hard at all for today. Anyw, I am not really bothered by the test. I knw where I stand. And that is the last 30 of the cohort. I just don't have what it takes to keep pushing on. Floorball trainings on next week Monday, and Thursday. And our first match against YJC is on Tuesday, wish us luck man. I wish all these extra trainings are gna help. I believe we will perform up to standards. No homework done this weekend. No econs, no chem, no nothing. Just math, and math alone. I am going to get owned tmr. And most certainly, my PI is undone. I don't feel like going to school anymore. I just want to stay in my own space and die or something like that. I just don't have what I need to do all these. No resolution, no determination, no perserverance. Reached home to find that my mother deducted 5 bucks from my allowance just because I forgot to mop the floor before I went out this morning. Totally wanted to scream at her to tell her to stop being so fucked up. This is not my responsibility, much less something worth deducting my allowance for. Doesn't help matters for my father to side my unreasonable mother and telling me to get out of the house if I'm so unhappy. Just because I slammed the microwave door accidentally on purpose. Well, you get the drift. Somebody tell me why does nobody around the house ever give two hoots about how I actually feel. I am worse off than a maid, I don't get paid and I get reprimanded all the time. For fuck's sake, I am a student and my sole responsibility is to study. I don't have to get home to find laundry to do or dishes to wash. Stop making it seem like every damned thing around the house is supposed to be done by me. You exist for a reason, not just to eat and sleep like what you're doing now. P.S. Might I remind you that you don't even work as long as I study a day. Anyway, I feel that I'm an ultimate control freak. But what to do? I'm just born a paranoid idiot. I feel that my whole life is falling apart. For now, life really does suck. I'm so tired of all this. Simplicity Saturday, April 25, 2009 Changed a skin. got sick of the previous one. Decided to settle for something more simple and plain. Have not done anyth productive this weekend. Studying after floorball trainings will never be productive. All I can do is sleep, I feel braindead. I do hope I can register all the math stuffs in my puny brain by tmr though. Might I say there are other overdue things which I should have done long ago, say like my PI second draft. It's been forever. I wouldn't be surprised if lum doesn't want it anymore. But well, look who screwed it up. I need a laptop seriously. It's not even that it's so inconvenient without one for PW, I can never seem to get a space in any computer our school library and 3 computer labs. It's about not even getting my computer when I get back home because of my stupid brother hogging it happily. And I want a Vaio CS! Well, dream on. Apparently my father is unsympathetic to my situation. The crazy heat is driving me nuts. I bathed 4 times today can you believe it! Going to sleep with the air-con turned on full blast. Zzz. Good night, whatever is left of my world. What you don't see Wednesday, April 22, 2009 If today wasn't a bad day, then I don't knw what is. During first lesson, which was econs tutorial, I was feeling miserable but I forgot why. And I took one of my post-it and wrote 'My life is so fucked up' on it. As if it was some magical charm, it caused a series of unfortunate events. When I attempted to take my file out from my bag, which was on the chair next to me, my econs booklet fell out from my file onto the ground. So I set everyth down and bent down to get it. While I was at it, my file decided to lose its balance on the chair and it too, fell off and hit the ground, followed by my bag. Disastrous. Already feeling pissed, I picked everyth up again and tried to get the dust from the ground out from my bag. Then my pencilcase had to drop, spilling its contents on the floor. Lessons stopped for awhile so that people around me could pick up my stuffs. I felt damn paiseh please. And when everyth was finally back in place, my highlighter did a special appearance by dropping again. Like, what the hell is wrong man. Falling asleep in the lesson after econs tutorial. I have just given up altogether already. Had house meeting. As __ as usual. I can't believe after all these years I still am in what I don't want to be. Competitive run, on my birthday. What more can one ask for huh. I succumbed to peer pressure zzz. Floorball was tiring today. And I fell flat like a prata when playing match. Anyway damn sorry to Clarine because she tripped over my stick when playing and sprained her ankle! DD: So sorry.. I haven't done any work. I have chem prac due tmr, and math tutorials, but it's not like I ever bother about it. Oh my god tmr is math trail and I am 5N's warrior along with Sharm, Wenyi, Denyin and Yunrou. FYI, I got a U grade for math in lecture test 1. But all I want to do is sleep. Tuesday, April 21, 2009 I've given up on trying to think of proper things to say. My life is just too fucked up. I need a more competent teacher for __. And I am being serious. I will fail the subject(s) if this rubbish carries on. I don't want to bother with any shit things anymore. However serious, however important it is to me. I don't care already, you can screw whichever way you want to. Bye. Monday, April 20, 2009 Over dinner on Saturday night... Dad: Tmr what breakfast you want to eat? Me: Anyth. I can just make bread. Dad: Are you going out? Mum: Since when does she not go out on weekends? Me: ... Dad: Weird uh, your mum gave birth to you in KK what, not on the roadside. Why do you always like to go out? Me: ...! Am I supposed to run to KK instead? -.- Wlao, what sense of humour. Sunday, April 19, 2009 Hello people. My computer is kind of screwed up now because everytime I hit on 'backspace' a little harder than I should, it would become a right-click function. Ohh eff. :f Feeling sian. Have not handed in (or started) my overdue 2nd draft for PI. And seeing that someone already completed and submitted his third draft today does not help. Zzz. Ohwell today was kind of wasted. I only managed to finish my two econs essay this weekend. While deciding whether to revise econs or read my chem notes at the lib just now, I decided to go sleep instead -.- And so I slept away 1 hour or so, in an upright position on the lib floor wth. Damn zzz. By then the someone finished his PI ! Gahh why is my PI so effed up. And why is the weather so scorchingly hot these days. Hot weather pisses me off man. I want to cut my hair to botak -.- Okay just joking. I'm in a kuku mood. Byebye off to PI. Why am I not smarter? Friday, April 17, 2009 I am so sick of everyth now. I don't want to do anyth but just sleep. Thursday, April 16, 2009 Don't bother reading. This post is outright offensive because I'm feeling fucked up right now. If you decide to read it then you better not try to act smart/comment, because I won't appreciate it. I have lost all my mood for trying to do any work of any sort. Fuck, I don't knw why is everyth screwing up right now. I need a break, I desperately need to catch up on my school work. Can you please give me a chance to do that? Instead of drowning me with intensive physical trainings when I'm still aching so terribly? I didn't even want to complain, I was determined to dedicate to floorball with nationals around the corner. But the consequences of me failing my upcomings tests, or straining myself too much is far more serious. Distressed and I don't knw what's best. Rounds and rounds everyday. 4 on Tuesday, 10 yesterday and 12 tmr, all outer lane. Life just gets better and better huh. The fact that we're doing it together makes me feel better. Albeit just abit. My PI second draft is overdue already. I was so resolute on handing in on time because I was overdue for almost a week the last time. But yesterday I had floorball till late, and I was dead beat after 10 rounds and a match (fuck, this is not an excuse) so I couldn't do it. Today? I was more intent on doing math and econs in school, and when I finally got to use the comp to do my PI, my mood gets screwed. Not even to mention how it got fucked up and I DON'T WANT TO DO THINGS THE DIFFICULT WAY. I so feel like being adamant and handing back the same ideas. What's the point of looking for things that are too broad and unfeasible? I don't knw man, I only knw that my PW is gna get screwed. I'm never going to get around to doing any fucking thing. Fuck my life please. It doesn't even help that there are SO MANY FUCKED UP PEOPLE OUT THERE. Who deserves a good big piece of my mind. You think you damn big shot we all need to give in to you? You think you're so fucking great? You better think again. Because you are fucking nothing to me. I think you are rubbish. I don't knw why you feel so good about yourself for doing something you should have done since the last century, it's disgusting, and you should feel ashamed at yourself for not knwing this. Lastly, I really don't give a shit to how you feel about anyth. So, stfu and get out of my face. After all these, it's still gna come anyway. Tuesday, April 14, 2009 Floorball morning run every morning at 7 bloody am. Need to bring stick everyday for passing and basics after run. Playing with netballers tmr. Someone fucked my PI up I don't knw how the hell am I supposed to make changes now. Tests coming up in the next few weeks. Still struggling around with work. Need more sleep but need more time for work. Fucking unmotivated. Surpringly, no internal battle. I'm over it. Maybe it doesn't matter to me anymore. I think nothing does anymore. I need to go faster. Run faster and faster. Need to drown myself in floorball. Drown myself in my work and revision. I need to lose myself in everyth and stop feeling the disappointments suffocating me. Too much overflowing within me. Monday, April 13, 2009 Just did my NAPFA 5 items today. Was kind of fucked up, could have done better if I knew a few things earlier. But whatever, I really want to stop talking about all the could-have-beens and should-have-beens. I'm just glad that it's all over. and I managed to do better than initially anticipated. So, the title is going to someone else this year. Yet another thing I lost after clinging on to it so strongly for so long. But I suppose, after the long internal battle which might go on a few more days, I'll accept it. And shut up eventually. Ohwell, always had. It's just another thing among all that I have lost. I didn't want to be just average for everyth. But now I'll accept the fact now that this is all that I can be. I am trying to stop comparing and be thankful for all that I have. It's so hard to be. I need to disconnect myself from all he disappointments coming from everywhere and it's drowning me. D: Saturday, April 11, 2009 Haven't been feeling good about myself lately. Minus all the bitchy me stuff which I'd been trying to shut up about before I drive people like Sharman and Wenyi crazy, there's much more to it than just that. It's not even about the homework that I can't complete. Not even about the chem bonding notes which I can't understand and thus can't do my tutorial 4. Not even about the fact I can't seem to put in enough effort. It isn't even about the B C E U U grades. Though largely so, I would say. I had enough of running away. I didn't want to do math, so I ran away. Once I lose track of what my lecturer is teaching, the subsequent lectures are just blindly copying of answers. I thought I'd started well, but I just lose it along the way. Tutorials would be constructive if I make myself listen, otherwise, I'm just passing time. Everyday. Now that I actually faced up to math, I can't do chem. So I ran away. I don't understand and can't really seem to even when I try. So I run away. It worries me, but I run away. I'm sick of this and I want to make it right. I knw what I want, but it seems so hard to get. The thought of all I have to do scares me, because it really is a good darn lot. How do I catch up to it? This whole feeling is just too overwhelming. I don't knw where to start. I hate to see myself so out of control, others so composed. Am I still reeling? I don't knw. But I want to stop running away. Right now. Maybe I just have to let it drown me, and learn to breathe it all in. Maybe it will all be fine, maybe not. Every single time I bring it back, I don't knw what to say. What can I say? I didn't really try, it isn't my best potential, but like real anyone would believe me if I say that. Much less my parents because they think I'm just fucking around with my life. I don't want help, I need to do it myself. From the start. All over again. Academics aside. I think I am really never as good as I am. Because the disgustingly arrogant me once thought I was the best in everyth athletic-related. Before I opened my eyes when I turned 13 and looked around me. That actually I'm not that good, or even half so. So many people out there could fling me around without really trying. Did I really not put in my best? Am I really capable of better? I don't want to knw because the answer might just be that I have reached my maximum potential. It was kind of hard to accept at first. Then it all becomes a norm. Then this is all I can be, that much I can do. All these people try so hard and get what they deserve. And if I don't try hard, and am contented with the least, then maybe I should be the one to shut it up and fuck off already. What's the big deal if I can do 55 inclined pullups. I bet you can too if you really try. Anyway I bet I can't even hit 40 this time around because of the darn bruise. Or maybe it's just an excuse for an easy way out. I'm tired of trying to retain everyth that is mine. Over the years I keep losing and losing. I can't keep up and so I cling on to every little thing that I can. But I just thought I'm really tired of it. Maybe just 18 would be enough this year. I can't deny I am someone who has an extremely huge ego. But it just got deflated smaller and smaller everytime I lose something that should be mine. It just got buried deeper and deeper until all I have left is self-loathe. Everytime I decided to let something go I have to have an internal battle with myself for a long time before I can finally put it down. Everything I'm not. Can I ever be? I've got so much to say, but I think I should stop. They get what they deserve. So I should stop being a terrible person. I don't knw what good am I. But give me some time to find out before I confirm that I am no good. Wednesday, April 8, 2009 Still feeling quite sick, polyclinic's cheap medicine doesn't work for me. And because I haven't been a good girl and keeping off things I shouldn't eat, I now have a sore throat ._. The huge bruise on my arm is turning a disgusting shade too because I rubbed it during training just now. Oh yeah, in case you people don't knw how the huge ugly bruise came about.. It was my medal from the friendly match against ACJC last Saturday, when a girl just slammed the blade of her stick into my arm while I was attempting to block her shot. Well at least I succeeded. Even though the impact caused an instant blue-black and I had to sit out immediately because my hand couldn't move lol. But it was quite spectacular. And bloody painful when coach pressed on the bruise and left her fingerprint! Not to mention all the screaming ._. ---- I now knw, so clearly and surely, what I really want to be. And I am slowly inching towards it. Give me time. I knw I can. Zzz.. Tuesday, April 7, 2009 Didn't go to school today, down with a bout of flu. Zzz.. I want to eat and drink so many things which I am not supposed to man :f Went home yesterday, bathed and immediately went to sleep at 8pm, only waking up for short moments in between to reply messages and slept all the way till 9.30 this morning ._. Felt so lethargic before the long sleep because I slept way too late the night before and I kept sneezing every few minutes. Glad I had a good rest. Going out to see the doctor later, I'm kinda lazy to actually, but I need the MC zzz.. After I'm given the green light to eat/drink anyth I want, I am so gna start some food spammage. I don't even care if I get fat. Thanks to everyone who showed concern (: Oh yeah, Happy birthday to Elijah and Shibin (: Drained Wednesday, April 1, 2009 I really hate it when I've had a long and hard day at training, I have to return home to find homework to do before I can drop down to sleep. Feel like throwing all my work out of the window or feed it to the stray cats and dogs, just that they might not want to eat it either. I've got alot (of people) to rant and complain about, seems that the whole world is getting on my nerves recently. But then again no, I don't think it's just me. It's with you, you, you, you, and you. Sometimes I hope some people would knw when to be more sensitive to their surroundings, when to shut up when they should, when to not feel so good about themselves when it's just nothing really, when they are unwanted and scram, when it has nothing to do with them and butt off, when they are just being a screwed up faggot/bitch/bastard. And the essence of it all, is to just stfu and get out of my way. Lest I hurl insults at you and you complain some more. Hey look, I really don't give a damn to it. So stop acting so smug becuase you think you did something great or whatever. It isn't even a big deal because I beat you at it for almost all my life, and this is just one occasion. I wasn't even trying. So what's with all the wannabe and high-and-mighty attitude yo? Please stop thinking that you can get away with it just because of someone else. Read this: I don't give a fucking damn. I hope you got the message. Just to let you knw, I do not appreciate people who hits my head. Nor those who try to act like they're very funny. Neither those who thinks they are very smart when they are not. And above all, irritating and disgusting people who really really turns me off and gets on my nerves. In short, you, you, you, you, and you. If you found this post offensive, or that I am a bitchy woman who does nothing but complain all day, shut up and get gone, because I knw all that already. |
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