Let me dream.

Changes.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

I dislike changes.

There seems to be many changes happening around me these days, but I feel like I am resisting them, even if I don't mean to do so.

The two new MRT stations Pioneer and Joo Koon have already opened and are in operation for awhile now, and even though 179 passes by Pioneer MRT station, I am still one of the very few who ride on to Boonlay instead. It makes me wonder if one day I'll be the only one left on the bus after it stops by Pioneer MRT station.

From tmr onwards, the route for 242 will be changed. It will no longer loop around my street, but will instead loop at street 71, which actually means that I wouldn't be able to take 242 at my convenience anymore. The new service that will be in place of 242's route will be 241, but it will make a turn for Pioneer MRT station first before going to Boonlay interchange. Sounds like 179, which means I'm gna have alot of contact with 241 in the future.

I don't knw why, but it's starting to make me feel like all the things I had known for so long are becoming stranger and stranger to me. Changes are inevitable in life, but sometimes the transition period can be really unbearable. Like change of classes and CCAs.. It takes time to adapt. I've been going through alot of such changes lately, and might I say I am still not used to the whole getting-used-to-it stuff. It's bothering me.

I sort of think I'm gna be left behind by time if I continue to resist change, but I'm not just the kind who is able to adapt instantly. So many things have come and gone, and now I think of who or what I have left that had stayed unchanged, and had survived the test of time.

----

I dislike it when I try so hard, but I just can't do something right, or well enough.

I dislike it when people criticise me when they haven't even taken a good look of what I really am. I dislike pre-judgements, because you don't really knw, do you?

I have to say I tried my best at that training, and I thought I was on pretty good form too. But all I got, all we got, were just a bunch of hurtful criticisms.

I try my best, every training, every PT session. Even when I feel like my legs are gna crumble beneath me any moment, even though I can feel my lunch making its way up my throat, even though all I really wna do is just lie down and sleep for a long long time. I still push myself to go on, to numb the discomfort, and to try my best. Even if I really really hate it, and I grumble and I whine, I still do it to what I can.

I knw that we are on different levels, but all I felt was demoralised after knwing it all. I knw there might be some problems here and there, but it wasn't just the harsh choice of words that totally made me feel like I'm worthless. Maybe it was how you think I don't have what it takes to be a good player. Some things takes time, you can't expect us to be at that level right at the start. It's been hardly 4 months for me. It isn't easy to be running 10 rounds at the outer lane and following a series of sprints and drills. I'm trying, so would you give me some time and cut me some slack in the time being, I'm trying.

After everyth, I feel like it all came to nothing. And then I start thinking if everyth is just meant to be, that I am fated to be outshined and live in the shadow of others, and I'm just not good at anyth that matters at all.

Sometimes I just don't knw what I'm working for, who I wna be, where I wna go. After everyth, where am I gna end up at.. I feel lost.

Life sucks.

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Sinyee. 17.
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