Let me dream.

Curtains' finally closing..

Monday, November 10, 2008

A few days lag in posting about the last day of school for the year, but I shall do so now.

The day started off with Ms Ek's address in the hall followed by Recognition Day. Even though Taylin told me the night before that I was awarded Outstanding Chairperson, I was pretty skeptical to it since nobody informed me about it like usual years. Well, she was pretty unsure about it herself as well. So, I was still rather surprised when the emcee announced my name and I had to run down from the gallery to get the certificate..

As I was receiving the certificate from Mr Chua's hands, Mr Tan CY called out from where he was taking pictures below the stage "toh, jiayou arh!". I thought that was really nice and sweet of him and undoubtedly, this award came because of him.. I wouldn't have imagined a person at the brink of retention would be able to receive this award. Not like what Mr Tan said, it wasn't my assumption, it's because Ms Chia said it to me a year ago when I was newly appointed 3H's chairperson that results are a criteria to get the award.. Guess I owe it to Mr Tan..

Following that was a short break and then release of result slips. The whole session didn't start off plesantly. I guess what happened just placed everyone in a wrong mood till the end. I just scraped a GPA of 3.0 but I knw that is because the school did like, serious moderation so that they could pull me up. And I don't knw, after listening to Ms Chia talk about JC life out there, it's making me feel really bewildered and lost about this whole deal.

The school pulled me up this time so that I could be promoted, or advanced, whichever. But with my capabilities, I question if I can really make it through Year 5 and 6. I somehow feel not, even though promotion criteria is supposedly easy. But so many people cannot make it even in top JCs according to Ms Chia. So what makes me think that I can promote to Year 6? Nothing, exactly. Maybe it doesn't help to think so far ahead and kill my interests for the new year ahead. But I can't help it, everyth seems so intimidating to me now I really wonder why am I going on..

Then had some university admission talks by NTU and NUS. I have no idea what courses am I gna take or which direction I'll be headed. Everyone seem to knw what exactly they wna take up and what they wna do. But I have not the slightest idea. I gave up on law since early this year. Engineering is a whole new mystery to me, and same for most things. Psychology? Hmm.. Why am I thinking so far ahead when I don't even knw if I can survive the next 2 years.

Went for a talk with Ms Ek in LT1. Basically she told us about how we got pulled up to the GPA of 3.0 and what we should do during this holidays is to revise on the subjects that we are gna take up next year. Well, I kind of agree with her, since I think I really need the catching up so that I wouldn't be that fall behind when the new year starts.

This was how my last day of school ended. Last day of 4H being together as a class, having lessons, talking crap. Playing table tennis at the teachers' table, and laughing at things that don't matter. It ended weirdly, like the mood isn't really there. I don't knw why, I didn't really feel anyth at the point of leaving the classroom. But when I came back home I felt this emptiness and nostalgia as I thought about all the events that the class went through together, and those times when we fought so hard to prove to people who thought we couldn't make it.

Back in sec3 was all the tough times for 3H'07. That was when the class wasn't producing satisfactory results. When everyone looked down on us and thought we couldn't do good with ourselves or our results. And each time we tell ourselves that we will pick ourselves up and prove all of those people wrong. And I must say, 4H, we did it. We finally shown it to ourselves and everyone else how much we can do..

I remember so many things. How on the first day of school I felt that our container classroom at block S smells like a hamster cage, all the funny PDP lessons that Ms Chia has, all the slacking time during Hook's lesson. Once got punished by Gohsm to write 80 lines of a freaking long sentence.. 3H's heritage day where we got first prize for our Bola Tin games stall and first runner-up this year selling pratas and we earned hundreds everytime. All the difficult and tedious times planning for activities but mostly ended up with success.. That's when I feel all the hard work has truly paid off, and I have no regrets. Of course not forgetting our chalets where we always had so much fun.. 4H always knws how to have fun and now when to study hard.

But of course, I wouldn't try masking up all that has happened that made some relations turned sour. I wouldn't try hiding, or faking it. I guess probably every class has their fair share of conflicts now and then, it just depends on whether someone is gna admit it. I am not trying to pass this post off making people think that everyth had been perfect all along and nothing ever went against me in this 2 years in 4H. But I just hope, just very wishful hoping, that this animosity would end along with the year and with the class, that all the unhappiness could disappear.. But maybe that's asking for too much.

I feel that there had been some misunderstandings that we did not clear up, and some assumptions on our part. I regret, but regrets serve no purpose, I wna apologise, but I don't knw, I think nothing is gna work because the hurt's done. Still, I wish everyth can just end in a better note, that what I will remember of 4H will be the laughters and fun, instead of these troubles and unhappiness. I don't think I have the right to ask for anyth more, so just leave it as that.

At least I'll remember that before all these began, there was a time when I had a great friend which we did almost everyth together. Now, it seems really far away to me. I knw you knw this too, that at least those were the times everyth was real, and great and fun together. Maybe things are not like how it used to be.. But I just hope that it could end here..

Aiya actually just ignore the whole part la... I'm going too deep thinking back on all the past happenings.

I feel upset for all that has happened, and honestly, I feel rather bold for posting my feelings so raw and uncovered. Like the past, like when I wasn't afraid to say what I was thinking. Not like now, thinking again and again, afraid of everyth. Maybe this would just make things worse, but I think this is likely the only way that they will get to knw what I'm really feeling. I have not forgotten the friendship, I do not only remember the unhappy things which had happened. I long for when we can do what we used to do again, but I knw that is not possible anymore.

Since it's ending, might as well just post everyth I'm feeling. Real and whole. This is the post for me to really put it all down and let it go.

I came home feeling empty, while reminiscing on all that 4H had ben through together, I started to get nostalgic. Then slowly started to realise what I would miss in this class, and whether my next class would be half as fun as 4H. Probably not. We are forever so on and so fun-loving. Though things happen, but I wouldn't question the fact that this class had been fun to be with. I wouldn't doubt that I would miss many things of the class. I wouldn't forget..

Hapsburgers, hoping for the best for all the rest of you in the future years.

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